LOVE IN MY ARMS  (III)-(my 3rd revised version)-(1976; Poretto Jetty, Galveston, Texas, struggling with being GAY)

 
   
love in my arms  
here then gone  
comes and goes  
like some rare moon tide  
sunrise soon brightened  
into new day  
but it s clearness  
only added to my  
ever deepening confusions  
evening arrived  
only a comfortable disguise  
down to the beach i walked  
as night s darkness  
soon fell upon me  
out at the end of a jetty  
from which i stared up and out  
at the seawall s street lights  
shining down from high above me here  
reflecting mercurially out into night s    
mostly unseen  wild surf  
blurring it s hypnotically reflective  
kinetic  silver white dance  
of slitheringly sensuous blurs  
out  across  upon  
this nocturnal beache s  
wet  reflective tideline s  
sleeping shoreline s  
darkened waters and sands  
as i stood there like some ancient ghost  
numbly gazing out  
completely lost in my thoughts and emotions  
for what seemed and felt  
like a couple of timeless  frozen hours  
held upright on my feet for so long  
embraced only by the rushing sound of surf s  
breaking waves and the strong steady touch  
of this gulf s warm  humid  salty sea breeze  
gazing astrally out towards this seamless  
black gulf s unseen  distant horizon line  
wondering about my life  
should i laugh  
or should i cry  
continue facing and enduring  
this darkest of all my life s secrets  
or face the pain  
by responding to  
the only feasible solution i can presently see here now  
in these most desperate moments  
in this existential  dark night of my soul  
by completely surrendering to  
that much quieter  deeper peace  
which faintly calls to me  
patiently awaiting me here  
beneath these dark  beckoning waters  
just three feet away from where i now stand  
where i presently only see and have  
two ways to go  
and one final choice to make  
to find  resolve and create  
that peaceful solution s  
not so easy  karmic way out  
short cut escape s  
hopeful  ultimate peace and resolve  
but with only those two choices  
to make or take  
it s easy to see here now  
fifty years later  
in retrospect  
just which choice  
i so obviously made  
way back then  
which so desperately drove me  
to come so very close  
to making that desperate  
one last  final choice  
to create that one last  final  
ultimate resolve  
   
love in my hands  
my heart in the dark  
understanding slips through my fingers  
like sand in night s wind