double shot of WTF...

 
I hear it alot
mainly from people who don't really know me
you're so quiet
 
yeah right...
...If they only knew
it's never quiet in my ADHD mind
& sometimes my thoughts go so fast
they outpace my ability to edit
as I'm struggling with the words
making chaos out of order...no...wait...reverse that...
...see what I mean
before I can lock the thought down...
I realize I've already said it
 
...oops...
 
if I open my mouth...
& nothing comes out...
I'm straining to capture the thread
but the conversation moves on  
while I'm stuck in my head
still trying to express it
too late...already on to new topics
& I lost it
 
...exasperating
 
quiet...
...nah...I'm just trying to keep up
& slow it down
all at the same time
 
throw in a curve ball...
the ever pleasant trauma bomb...
& I can be a lot to handle
 
seriously...
 
fighting against myself  
cursed with a feeling of not being heard
while desperately trying not to be seen
 
& I hate confrontation  
but I need you to pay attention  
no lie...I raise my hand when I want to speak
like I'm back in grade school or something
don't believe me...
...ask my family...
 
I don't feel safe in neurotypical discussions
it can get so passionate
& then I feel attacked
backed into a corner
 
I need calm...rational
but when emotions are involved...
it never seems to happen
 
translation...
everyone's shouting
picture me cowering...
 
when those 2 forces come into contact
it's an unrelenting conflict
listen...but don't put me in a spotlight
there's a good chance I'm going to fixate
get stuck on a concept...
...& lost in contemplation  
trapped in a sinkhole of overthinking
 
only seems to stop when I'm drinking...
which freaks me out...
I hate that out of control feeling
...& yet...here we are...
...permanent passenger on the struggle bus
front row...behind the driver
 
I'm really not trying to be dramatic  
I'd break free & stop this behavior...
...if only I could stop tripping over that fucking trigger
...but its hidden
 
you know what that's like
walking a tight rope of chaos
waiting constantly for the line to snap
keeping an eye on the minefield below
knowing if you fall...
...it's gonna blow
 
quiet...
...yeah...not so much
it's like someone carbonated my existence  
then shook it up
shaking that cocktail of what the actual fuck...
 
 
 
welcome to the mayhem that is Willow...believe it or not, it used to be worse...progress is measured in breaths sometimes...