Alone

Alone

More than anything in my life, since I was 14 years old, I have wanted a romantic partner for a lifetime.

But now, I'm wondering if all I can handle is being alone.

Had a lot of troubling thoughts today. Probably due to being around my toxic family members. It's an inevitable thing really since I do live with my mom, and she visits my sister at times. I'm too tired to move out. I'm too exhausted to even really function.

Because of how I've been treated by them and life, I'm shut down. It feels like someone's pushing my head down underwater, and I am running out of air. The music when Sonic is drowning plays. The song's ending soon, and it will be my dramatic demise. Game over.

Sadly, we only get one life, one chance. And I feel like it's being sucked out of me.

I have nothing left to really give to anyone else. I'm lucky I even have friends.

The excessive demands from my sister and my mom have robbed me of all of my energy. Robbed me of all of my soul.

I don't know how people do it. How they are always on for their significant other or their children. It's a long term commitment that feels out of my reach.

I remember seeing a guy in the Walmart we were at, who looked like the guy from 8 years ago. And I still feel that gut punch. That pang in my throat. I guess I'm not over him. Not over his beauty maybe. And I guess that makes me shallow.

Now, I'm crawling deeper into shame. A shame I don't know how to escape.

I kept feeling bothered today by how fat I am. How I can't keep up with life and its dumb expectations. I want to cry over this, but I also want to cry because I base my worth on a number. And I can't seem to truly stop.

I see a committed relationship as a list of obligations. Keep up with dishes, maintain a sexy weight, keep up with laundry, keep up with…

And knowing all the pressure another person may put on me more than myself, I want to cry even more…

I see it as nothing more than a horrible chore.

A life filled with someone realizing how horrible I am. That I was a mistake to waste time on.

I want to bury myself into my hands as my tears fill up an ocean.

I guess I really am better off alone.