bittersweet memories (Paul)

1.  
Is it possible to fuck someone  
back to life?
I don't know  
but I fucking tried  
the night you told me  
you wanted to end your life
 
2.  
You were my fake boyfriend
at the club
held my hand as
we spit lies into the atmosphere  
a romance that never was
for some idiot  
who wouldn't take my no  
for what it was  
and he eventually wandered off  
in disappointment  
 
3.  
I liked the warmth of your body
resting against mine  
a drink in your hand  
a cigarette in mine  
 
4.  
You told me you loved a girl
who didn't love you back  
and seeing her grinding  
on her boyfriend felt like murder  
but you wouldn't tell me  
who she was  
 
5.  
I'd already made peace  
with the fact that I wouldn't  
be getting laid that night  
you weren't the only one  
wanting someone  
you couldn't have  
 
6.  
We ended up back  
at a friend's place  
and I had this strange premonition  
that you were going to kiss me  
then told myself I was just deluded  
cause why would you kiss me  
when you wanted someone else  
 
7.  
You awkwardly pressed me  
back against the kitchen counter  
and for a moment I felt psychic  
as you kissed me so softly  
I abandoned my promise
to not have any more  
one night stands  
 
8.  
We fucked in the garage  
on a crappy old mattress  
only it wasn't really as clandestine  
as we'd intended  
cause you had to go ask someone  
for a condom  
 
You were too big  
and too inexperienced  
and fucking you hurt a bit  
was boring and unsatisfying  
 
I didn't really care  
I just liked that you liked me  
and that I made you  
temporarily forget  
this girl without a name  
 
9.  
I only found out  
you were fucking my ex-girlfriend  
the night we had a threesome  
 
We both wanted her  
neither of you really wanted me  
though you both fucked me anyway  
 
Turning 23 didn't feel so good
the next morning  
when I woke up hung over  
with a bruised cervix from you  
and scratched to pieces by her  
with the realisation  
she was the one you were  
secretly in love with  
 
10.  
In hindsight I didn't love you  
I just loved the idea of loving you  
a broken boy  
a broken girl
maybe two wrongs  
could make something beautiful  
 
Maybe you could save me  
maybe I could save you  
maybe, maybe, maybe...  
 
But I was just an easy fuck  
and you broke my heart anyway  
 
I drank too much  
refused to eat  
cried myself into dehydration  
and obsessed over  
what made me so unlovable  
 
11.  
You managed to knock up  
two women within a month of each other  
 
I had a miscarriage  
 
My ex girlfriend had an abortion  
 
My lost baby was the only one  
you didn't cry about