the fight (my story)

TW: DV and SA references  
 
We are never less  
than who we're meant to be  
when there is something in our veins  
changing the chemistry  
in our brains  
 
It's been 12 years for me  
since I gave up the chase  
for highs  
that left me so low  
I thought I'd be better off dead  
 
I remember lying on the wet grass  
in my parents back yard  
in the rain  
realising I wanted to live  
if only I could figure out how  
 
Cause no one can show you  
how hard it is to get sober  
 
And truth be told  
I'd be lying if I said I don't miss it all  
(that wild feeling I had)  
 
But I don't miss the pain  
between every fall  
between every broken memory  
I somehow wish I'd been unconscious for  
though I know that would have been  
so much worse  
 
I don't miss that girl at the bus stop  
asking me not to throw up  
on her shoes  
I don't miss falling into hedges  
or falling up stairs  
or wondering whose bed I was in  
trying to figure out  
how I got there  
in between the black outs  
 
I don't miss every bad lover  
I promised never to crawl back to  
but somehow I was in her bed again  
hating the way she made feel so high  
in the midnight hours  
and so low when I was confronted  
with her boyfriend in the morning  
 
I don't miss being a ragdoll in his arms  
unable to fight the way he held me down  
I don't miss screaming in his face  
as I walked out the door  
knowing, knowing I'd be back  
because he was the only one I knew  
who had the drugs  
 
I still remember being so so stoned  
looking in the mirror  
and not knowing the face  
looking back at me  
hands on the glass  
unable to connect  
with girl who let men break her  
and the one who knew  
she deserved something  
more than this  
 
It took wanting to die  
a suicide planned  
lying on wet grass in the rain  
after another drunken fight  
with someone I loved  
thinking about what it would mean  
to leave my daughter behind  
that I found the spark to live  
 
But it's never as simple as that