It Never Leaves This House

You said “everybody’s killing me”
So I don’t know how to tell you  
I don’t want to be alive
It would make you more stressed
You might die  
You already haven’t moved all day  
The rocking chair will be your last resting place  
A heart attack in the living room  
I’m sorry I’ll be the one who kills you  
 
Or maybe when you found out  
It would be too much  
And you’d just leave
Never come back  
Like you always said you would  
 
Forget it  
I’m sorry  
I’ll never want anything else
I’ll never ask for help  
Who gives a shit about mental health
It’s just an excuse for me to be by myself  
 
I shouldn’t want the things  
That will help me calm down  
I’ve tried everything  
It only makes me want to drown
I think something has to change
I’m sorry I can’t keep living this way  
Letting the bathroom floor decide  
What’s going to kill me today
Another headache or self hate  
 
I’m not telling you the truth
I shouldn’t have to
You didn’t notice I was crying
You never do
You never stop screaming
 “What’s wrong with you  
I’ll find somebody who can fix you”
You say it won’t kill me  
But it might  
I hate that I’d be satisfied  
If I made you cry  
I don’t know why you can’t see  
I’m not of afraid of it  
I’m afraid of me  
 
You did everything for me and I’m sorry  
I’m sorry I’m not better  
I’m sorry I hate myself
I’m sorry I need help  
I’m sorry