Living the lie doesnt make it the truth

Why can't i get this feeling of emptiness to go away?
Why do i feel disappointed that i woke up every day?

Just another day of hating myself and putting up a front
Like im fine and nothings bothering me, my self esteem is taking the brunt

I know that Im worthless so how could anyone want me?
I can never become the person they'd want me to be

Constantly second and third guessing myself makes me act so erratic
My thoughts are so disjointed that it all just seems like static

Constant barrage of "you're not shit", "no wonder they left"
No one could ever love you when all they see in your eyes is death

I want someone to stay and really care like they promise they will
But I've ate up that lie so many times that I think I've had my fill

I put my hope and trust in people only to have it turn into regret
Then they turn around and act like i am in their debt

For what? Being left alone to drown in my misery and pain
As every minute that passes brings me closer to insane?

Im fighting to fight but i cant seem to care enough
I go through the motions everyday, how can I maintain this bluff?

The only way is to shut down and close everybody out
When i stop to notice anything i get consumed by doubt

I push people away and say its for them but really its for me
Cuz im so afraid of the possibility that somebody might see

My insecurities and imperfections cuz they'd turn and walk away
And i cant watch another person leave my life after believing that they'd stay

I have had all of these voices going on in my head all at once at every moment of every day for as long as i can remember. I overthink everything. I make up worst case scenarios and i believe them and i act on them and I sabotage myself and my relationships. I so desperately want to believe all of the negative things i think about myself that i look for and even create validation. I am my own worst critic. I am my own worst enemy. I am at war with myself. Even if I win, I lose.