Laden, Lay Down To Die

 
confession number one I am afraid of being alone in this world adrift
my mind plays mean tricks on me
it makes up alternate realities when people are cruel
or when things get too rough and I break
 
never to trust it to protect
the first breakdown I had was when I was a little girl
pretending Mommy hadn't left me again
 
my abandonment issues are all too apparent
my weaknesses lay bare
the wolves smell blood on the air
and they approach
 
the one I'm married to only eats my heart out
leaving me to die a little more every day
my love unwavering is unconditional
 
trust broken yet again  
treated as a plaything
my strength and faith waver
as fate placed me in the path of this man
 
wondering upon a star
what I did to earn these scars
a painful revelation I am alienated from everyone
 
my mind lies to me
tells me he loves me  
and since I know my mind will betray me
I'll forget the bad
because it could always be worse for me
 
hurting in the immortal
knowing I will be spitefully used
the word is clear on this
God exists inside of me
but I was never good enough,  
to be claimed in the Golden Kingdom
 
nightshade and rebellion
mockery my lot in life
for putting a man above my God
a god I cannot see or touch
with the knowledge,  
I probably won't make it back to those old gold streets  
 
I know too much of the truth
cold day deliver me unto an honest death
don't reanimate my suffering
if death is the answer let it be final this time
don't pull my essence from the abyss
making me relive old traumas
 
it is divine to forgive
pardon my humanity
a fragile forlorn creature of divinity
humbled to the point of breaking
 
shattered soul recoiling from the sorrow
picking up my cross/body every day
no matter the chaos
 
living in a world so bright
but I stay locked in shadows
a demon's delight
 
I've gotten to know the demons well
they fear you I thought you should know I feed them
they don't have to beg I do it freely
 
knowing what it is to shiver outside your mercy
keening my heart's last breath
 
I walk in the sunlight and burn