Bhava

Jess

First of all I am sure this will still
undergo metamorphosis. It's an Imago.
In its present form.

The title worked like a magnet. For obvious
reasons. As a child my mom would narrate
tales of insight where this word was symbolic.

At the risk of sounding absurd, I could have
embraced you for this. A rare moment when I
felt so very close. So very there. This is
one of your finest writes. It flows with you.

I will give you some time. Till the butterfly
emerges finally. Then I will have my say.

Awe,

:)

Sumeet (Curtsy)

thank you! it was written for the Food Chain competition and it really is still shifting a bit. (specifics are welcome) and i wasn't sure i properly interpreted the concept of bhava, i'd wholeheartedly appreciate critique on that. thank you for being so gracious. [:

 
First a little bit of theory.  
 
'Bhava' could imply a lot of things in reality. But here the specifics tell me that it's clealy the Buddist concept.  
 
'Bhava' is a key term in the Twelve Nidanas of Buddhism. Nidanas are basically 'source' or 'origin'. Buddhism says that the human life is  
full of suffering for 12 main reasons and the biggest of them is 'avijja'(pronunced 'a-weed-ya')  
which means 'ignorance.'  
 
'Bhava' is the penultimate followed by 'Jati'(Gut-E). 'Bhava' leads to 'Jati', i.e It is the cause of birth('Jati'=Birth).  
 
So 'Bhava' means becoming. It reveals the intense want in man to be born again and again to undergo acts which will give him happiness and pleasure. But in the end man suffers for this want and yet he is trapped in this vicious circle. He never ceases and the suffering manifolds.  
 
In 'Jatakas' Buddha talks about 'bhava' where he tells each and every member of his retinue who they were and how they were connected to him in previous births. Buddha is said to have remembered a little over 2000 of his births.:)  
 
I see it as this: Between man and Buddha there are 12 deterrants and 'bhava' is one of them. The want to be born again, to 'become a being' and again and again traps the soul here in the realm of pain. The true goal of the soul is to be free-from form and pain and this cycle.  
 
Salvation in Buddism is 'Nibbana', i.e liberation from 'samsara'. It is breaking free from the cycle and being free for once and all.  
 
'Bhava' comes far behind in the list and yet it is critical as an innermost, indelible want. It leads to birth and then birth leads to 'life'(as we know it) aging, pain and finally death and upon dying we again wish and want 'more'. And so we come back again and undergo 'jaramarana'(the collective sadness and pain)  
 
That is the theory of 'Bhava' and its relevance.:)

Now I see the write a little toned down. There are subtle changes.

In its present form it reveals 'just'. It is almost magical-fluid and alive with imagination. People who have experiences with entheogens might break down reading this(I bet my money) and I had a similar experience, feeling lost by the scope and the reach of the world within this poem.

Mr. A has said well about that line. It is sublime and break takingly beautiful in this context here.

I will always be overwhelmed by this write. A truly unforgettable write this is. That has probably got to do with my craving and insatiable hunger but this is something I am mortally scared to sit and try putting down on paper. You have outclassed a few of the innumerables.

I sense a back story here. Would love to hear about it. If.

Deep despect. admiration. adoration.

Sumeet

p.s- You are a Supernova lady. Shine on. Share more and dazzle.:)

and you.... don't know how much i appreciate the time you've taken to explain this for me, and to soak it in... and i'm incredibly pleased anything i've written could pull this kind of effect. thank you again and again and ag... [: x

The most meaningful contribution(if at all) I have made in a long time. From here there is no turning back. Rise and shine.:)

...very interesting.

And to elucidate somewhat....

I lie dead still on the padded altar
of this naturally goggle-eyed
pseu-do-sci-en-ti-fic     (why did you write it like this? sarcasm? Enunciation play?)  
psychoanalyst
  
finally, after having fidgeted like a speed addict
for an hour in the waiting room
while that vile fly took free reign of the place  
  
I just want the 46 dollars they said they'd pay
to hypnotize me
try to get to my mental recesses, current processes
maybe find out why I am the way I am
Not that I'm any weird way (this line is really an aside...brackets maybe, or broken free of the stanza somehow)
A profile study kind of thing, I guess   (line break here, to give weight to the next line?)
Should take a while
  
So I start to relax with small talk  
flicking back and forth
easy stuff: where I'm from
what my favourite colour is
but not a tick of the clock goes
between "bone white" and my being blinded
by sun[I think] quickly adjusting itself
to steamy, patchy green canopy (very nice transition to the new scene...and good set-up of the story to come...well done)
  
I'm low, breathing shallow with a heavy chest
behind a fungus oozing log     (write fungus-oozing....the meaning is ambiguous without it)  
God, I can hear everything
every bird every shuffle every creak every step
[breathe]
water body close by (water body, or body of water, or just water?)
[scent]
an animal above me
a grounded gibbon locked in my sight
lauch muscles ready to leap and sprint
  
I knead loose earth, feeling (why the mid sentence line-break?)
the gentle prodding pressures
mold it to my feet
paws?
[claws] (very nice inner-voice use)
forelegs steady, balancing the bodyweight
  
It's not just the greedy pit in my stomach now
automatic calculations
I note
the meshing
of energy into every molecule
syncing to the forest patterns
this is all - us - this dance  
of intimate synergy (it is a brave writer who uses this word, but you seem to have carried it here)
      
    
rise
fall  
breathe    
lunge (have a look at the pace here....there should be a slight pause before lunge...a line break maybe?)
  
jaw grip
monkey neck crack is (why is the line broken here?)
suddenly insufficient
teeth plunge
through sinew coated protoplasm
then squeeze and wet sweep of lips
while its pieces settle like silt
  
I lie still, growing with the quiet canopy
as Indian evening sun trickles down my chin
  
  
  
[snap]

Also, I'm not sure about the way you use your capitals, as the distribution seems random.

This write surprised me for a couple of reasons; I had not seen the thread, so had no context or expectation when I opened it, and more importantly, I was very happy to see how quickly you got the reader on board with where you were going. This is good writing for me, the ability to use an economy of words to set the chassis of the write, then follow it through to a conclusion that builds on that chassis.

Very clever, and a write you should come back to if you ever feel your writing isn't popping.

dp

ah, there it is!  
 
fantastic, DP, the point-by-point, and with 2 places you reaffirmed my first instincts, that i 'fixed' unnecessarily. [:
 
ah, the 'lunge' thing.. we see in beats and pauses. that's why i've done some of those mid-sentence line breaks, they're where i naturally pause. annnnnd, the "pseudoscientific" enunciation play was basically to make it interesting - just felt it in the moment, kind of fetching, i thought...
 
having another look and go-over now, and so very much appreciate your eyes, as always, my friend. [:

Now, I am mesmorized by flies and gibbons and the changes they bring---the earth was just rocked by the "monkey neck crack."  I felt it!  Thanks.

wow, glad that connected, thank you! [:
like Sumeet says, it still needs a little spit-shine, but i'll figure that out when i get some fresh eyes on it. lots of great critiquers here so i'm sure it'll be no trouble. thanks again. [:

It oozes appeal. It's similar to something I wrote for a short story fest but damn, this is ten times better. What a way you have with imagery, from the sounds to the depth of her/its shifting of weight. Well done, Jestalessa. You own it.

ah, thank you x101! [:
and i would love to read that short story. was it posted here?

it's hand written. May have a few pages typed up. I'll give my docs a little look and send you a piece. x

Different .. And confusing in a good way :) xoxo fishy

i did hope to get a lot of concepts into one word-set, so i'm not surprised it's a bit confusing. haha, thanks for the support anyway, fishness [: xx

...and here it is.

I like everything from the raw skeleton to the defined little details of this. I am a little jealous, but just a little bit.
Here's why:

"I knead loose earth"

Just simple great imagery, all the way through.

"jaw grip
monkey neck crack is
suddenly insufficient"

but this kind of paused me when reading. I know it's meant to sound 'snappy', but it feels they were just randomly mashed in there, just my opinion.

Overall great concept and the last two lines were the cherry Miss Jesta. I'd like it five times if I could. :)

so kind, five 'thank yous', Mr A [:

that neck crack being 'suddenly insufficient' is an urge i've had myself in biting flesh... a little one just lights up a part of my brain to bite harder, and i figure that must be similar to what it feels like for an animal. i tried to convey it loosely, but it may not have come out the way i meant to write it.

i appreciate all your observations, and your encouragement to post is the main reason i did. so thanks again. [:

The reason I encouraged you to post it was 'cause, out of all your poems, this one snatched my breath.
Thanks.

The subjective status of being that represents Bhava is reflected well in your words.

"this is all - us - this dance  
of intimate synergy", is my favorite line

 

ah, that is good to hear, JM, thank you! i'm not a regular student of Buddhism, so had to read up more on the concept before i posted. really enjoyed it though. (i was hoping someone would feel that line) [:

as if i was there, experiencing the whole thing with you;I half close my eyes and let the poem direct my senses.

thank you so much, Ophie! i really tried to expand with this one, i'm glad you felt the connections i felt. [:

Ok I should confess that I had to google the title  to find out what it means. Great choice of title!

I took the enunciation of "pseudo-scientific" as the narrator struggling to say it.I thought it was a nice touch.

The 'finally' on the start of the second put me off just a tad.I thought you were leading into something like "Finally after looking everywhere   he found the keys in his pocket"

Marvelous concept and kudos on branching out again and  indeed for doing it so well.

shine on !

why thank you for both your praise and your honesty, Eamonn. I would most certainly consider placing a period after "finally", instead of a comma, though i think it would mess up my line stuffs a bit. i'll have a ponder. [:

Dear Poet
Thank you for your writing
This is positive feedback
Keep up the good work
I look forward to reading you
Remember that with every submission
You increase your experience
Just a hello...on the Internet
From so far away
Who knows, we may meet
Face to face, one day
Peace
Kitty

so kind of you, Kitty, thank you. [: