With a cherry on top

well, my dear...this is unusual for you in a couple of ways;

one - your readers expect a little kindness from you, and this shows no stepping back from a kind of disdain.

two - the write is so broad we almost struggle to decide who it is who is speaking, and to whom.

neither of these things is bad, but they throw your regular reader somewhat, as we always have a feel for the tone and voice from your back catalogue.

a new tack, and worth the post.

dp

well thank you, in a couple of ways, DP
especially for the honesty. [:  
 
it certainly is a bit strange for my usual, but i suppose it could have been as well pinned to the "Self" category as the "Drugs" category. it felt chaotic in its broadness, and yet i cling to hope that it wasn't too far out there, whilst preparing for the fact that it will likely be some surprise, and not to everyone's liking. [:  
 
appreciate the time taken to type all that out on the current means, my friend, and always appreciate your attentions to these stumbles in the dark. [:

Jesta-I really like this-it's like sensing both a wonderful friend-and a mean one-trying to let you know in their own ways that you are on the wrong path and in over your head. I enjoy the way you have found interesting depictions and comparisons to state senses that could not otherwise be put across so clearly-yet in a poem :-) Very talented my lady, well done. Peace and thank's, Miki

thank you, miki! i didn't give this enough time to settle before reading again, so it was new and encouraging to hear i'd brought extra senses through. i'm so happy you could see past the rough edges. [:

Jesta all I have to say is you go fishy :*)

haha, thankyou, fishness [:

This is certainly not cliche or over-the-moon overkill.

Interesting write.  Thank you.

Strider

and i most certainly appreciate the support for this, thank you. [:

'new direction'? (i much dislike such references to creativity, butt so what?)

a sarcasm with (paradoxilized) compassion?

waddu eye know?

enjoyed thee read

i haven't got the solid style choice or the subject matter you remodel and serve back in your writing, but i think you've inspired me to let loose to some degree. muchas gracias for checking in. [:

dear J........thank ye.......

i have made no style choices, solid or limpid...i canno even think in them terms anymore...

just openly absorb that which influences ye, let sub-psyche 'process'(wit'out 'thinking'/ego'shit, as much as possible)said influences & keep on keepin on 'creatin it back Out------

or something simplestupid as that...

PEACES

Angry and unflinching. You're gettin good at those spaces. The form seems comfortable in the mold you made for it.

I do wonder who it's addressed to, but us readers never get the pleasure of that, do we?

ah, i had hoped this one would catch your eye, THM. if only because the way i wrote it (not the way it comes off, mind you, but the way it was written) made me think of the way you read that thread exercise from such a long time ago, the stream of consciousness.  
 
the addressee is up to you lot, unfortunately. i, personally, saw it about 3-4 different ways at the time, and they all made sense in my world. [:  
 
(i may mention that i was slightly under an influence...if that makes any difference)

Mm. The exact loss of weight at the moment of death, eh?

A soul-loss anaology. That, m'dear, is clever and quite cool.  

Sooo much bizarre disjointedness.

Honestly, I'm still trying to decide if I freaking love it, or if I'm going to slowly back away and run for the hills.

The first two stzs and the last stz are brilliant.

The rest are effective in that I have re-read them, and they bother me.

Again, really cool topic.

aha! good to see you, Bett.

this one is definitely an oddity for my collection. might want to wash your hands when you're done with it.

thanks for stopping in!
(refrains from use of signature smiley, as she has noted that Bett's gag reflex is sensitive to such things)

I used a smiley in a review. Trying to desensitize myself, right?

It was SOOO dirty that it made me giggle.

Look, I'm leaving one here... :)

That's as far as I can push myself with this.

Off to wash my hands with bleach. YAY!

And hey, oddities are fun. That's how we grow, with the odd and the uncomfortable moments. Keep it up!

J

This is the second write you have shared
which would hover on 'unusual'(many would
agree)I am not sure whether this is a new
write, but entirely love the new direction.

It's like with each poem, you are illuminating
all those spaces within the poetic psyche which
were silently evolving, functioning in the dark
all this while. Like those engaing video games
where one gets to play saviour in the underworld.:)

The voice is robust. Almost ethereal. A la Sam
Elliot I would imagine. I felt the gruffness
and the no-crap-really tone thruout.

The uniform voice is the magick here.

Very very effective. It's unwavering and
still like the wind over a deathcamp.

That is a winner for me.


'and your face
insults
the very air
sagging in our lungs?'

Very tangible. Almost like a mould of clay.
A fitting stanza to start the proceedings.

The '21 gram' reference was another level.
The Amrican doctor who had created an uproar
with this idea was met with widespread disdain
from his own community. It was proved to be wrong
by many other doctors. But it has still
stayed on as a myth. In this setting it works
well when 'soul' has 'provable' as the adjective.

'your ego
spread eagle on the bar leaves
little to the mind's
proverbial eye
and we, i
don't care to see the...'

Love how you end it. Really.

Should it be 'spread eagled' unless I am
missing something.  

'might as well set chainsaw to tulip base
or kiss the bedroom mirror in 6th gear
it's all cliche, over-the-moon overkill'

Was the missing article before 'chainsaw'
intentional here?

6th gear again is a maelstorm. Almost cruel.
'Over-the-moon overkill' is the new gruesome.

'chat-life span complementary to
an open tube
o' pop-don't-stop potato chips'

This was the best part for me.:)

And clearly this is not a game for the child.

Respect,

Sumeet

p.s-Now the title makes so much sense. Exhilaration. :)

i so much appreciate the time you take on every write you read, Sumeet, thank you.  
 
yeah, i've been letting myself express differently. sometimes in a sloppy way, i'll admit, but i'm just going with it for now. so pleased you can see where it's coming from.  
 
you may be right about the spread eagled - i'll have to look it up. did intentionally leave out the article before chainsaw, hoping i was getting away with breaking a rule!  
 
love your take on this, thank you again. [:

thanks for taking the time to comment, Martin.

Well, thought I'd wait before I left my murky stain under another of your poems. I know you often tinker with them after posting and people's critique.

I'll leave my critique and suggestions at the door as I like it how it is anyway.

I think people were most thrown by the attitude you emit here, and seeing it as lack of 'love'. I think it was love enough to tell the child it shouldn't be there.

It's spaced nice and fluid and jars where it should, the missing article and snappy terms all fit well to the composition of the poem.

The last stanza is a great conclusion to an excellent write. :)

hey, Mr A. i find it lovely that you know the tweaks are inevitable, and also that you like it as is. i'm about to take 'baby' out, as it reads better as a space.

i think, here, i didn't mean a child literally. it was meant to be an older, wiser, and/or more experienced person talking to a green one, but i didn't think of how much more brutal it is from me, if one takes it literally.

thank you so much for the good words, and please know that your opinions are never thought of as 'murky stains'.. unless they're from something great, like... mustard. [:

Well jes as always you have created the picture well , I enjoyed the twisted around feel you evoke , like as if you are giving the take on a something then taking it into something else resulting in a conclusive negative , being the obvious message here , so yeah you know I love your poems jes so I obviously fucking liked it man , lol nice one , :)

hey, thanks, diddi. and a 'fucking liked it' is always better than just plain old 'liked it'. [:
appreciate the support.

lmao I know it was a bit too expressive as in the ruder element of vocabulary but it felt right at that point so it is what it didn't have to be which made it more actual lolol omg I think sometimes that I might be a little bit nuts lololol :D

i genuinely liked it better! not teasing you. haha, thanks a lot, Paul. [:

well, it's been said already how the above write takes  a different direction than what you have tried before.

I'd just like to say bravo on the courage.

Reading this brought me back to a place where I could have easily had them words spoken to me albeit in a less poetic way. still  it was rather unnerving to read so I must compliment you on hitting the spot.

Then listening to you speak it out in that sometimes menacing matter of fact tone in conjunction with the picture you chose was truly chilling in the context of my own experience.

Fair play to you me o'l flower, you killed this one with ease.

ps. I love how you say tulip = two lip :)

great stuff!!  

i'm severely curious about your experience now, but glad you could relate in some way; if i hit any resonating note it's good for my growing to hear. thank you for the great feedback, my friend. [:

p.s. i'm pretty sure every American says tulip like that, but if i'm wrong, well... still thanks, i guess. [:

Fan-bloody-tastic.

That is the only word/s i can muster in the wake of this :)

thank you, vi! so glad your eyes didn't see only the mess. [:

to this interesting read.

Strider

well, thank you, Strider. a friend of mine put it together. [:

I like the poem and the read thru..the read thru clarified some of the voice that was missing from the poem for me. I think it had to to do with comma placement in a lot of places,

In your reading where some of your commas were in your writing there were no pauses like there should have been.  For example:
In the very first line...

thanks again for the great effing read..:)

"what're you doing here, child?"   You read it as if there was no comma there. You did that in various places where there were commas, I think at every part there was the word "child" at the end of the sentence.

and you also did it at the "there,there"  portion in your poem..If you were to read the poem the way you wrote it, the cadence  and voice of the poem would be much different to the ear.

Not trying to be picky just honest good criticism that grammar and punctuation do affect the mood and tone of a poem, at least for me it does.

I have just started learning the power of commas, and line break formations in a poem.

Alot of poetry if is instinctual to the writer and subjective to the reader but wrong punctuation can confuse the matter.

my stupid laptop jumped to the middle of my message with the  last thing I meant to say which was "thanks again for the great effing read"

ah, thanks for your honesty, Philip. my reasoning for the commas wasn't for pause, but for proper grammar. i was following standard punctuation rules that maybe i didn't need to follow since i wasn't using ending punctuation. hm, i'll consider that perspective, thank you. always good to get feedback from people who spot pesky inconsistencies. [: