Rant …..

There are two of you  
And you have done so much manipulating and convincing that the other side of you does not exist .. that even you believe the entire shit show of a lie  
Like a grenade ,
Pin just pulled  
you destroy everything within arms reach  
Confronting that side of you
questioning your actions is a suicide mission  
It’s just easier to play along with you  
Seeking out the truth just adds more bullshit about  you  
That I have to lie to myself and hide  
Instead of engaging during one of your meltdowns  
I sat in the passenger seat quite  
Like a little fed up with your bullshit mouse  
Not a single word left my mouth  
I listened to you shit talk yourself in circles  
back and forth  
Round and Round  
If my heart wasnt attached to the hitch of this car dragging through the highway right now  
I could imagine this scene being quite comical  
Quite pathetic and eye roll worthy  
to the stronger independent eat shit and die version of me
But that’s not who showed up to life today  
In fact she has been absent now for quite some time  
Entirely different subject .. let’s focus  
Back on track ..  
your usage of the word bitch and cunt and threats that one day you won’t need me  
tells me this is serious business  
I would imagine it would be
If I cared enough any more
If this shit wasn’t so played out  
And I wasn’t so desensitized  
So here I sit on my iPhone feverishly typing away in the notes app
Desperate .. reaching.. you’re feeling vulnerable and embarrassed  
I guess I would too if I were you  
2 very dangerous emotions for you to feel I’ve come to learn
You say any and everything you could think of to get a rise out of me  
But I hold fast  
I do not engage  
Not ONE SINGLE WORD
A goddamn mouse I tell you  
The more infuriated and desperate you become  
I for once am seeing you in a different light
Not at all flattering and very much  
the man you are and the man i have fallen in love with are not the same person  
I’m not sure the one i love is even real
2 years into this and it’s funny in such a sad way how I still don’t know who the fuck you are  
Myself , I have been an open book  
I’ve laid myself bare for you to explore and learn  
A what you see is what you get situation  
It has been quite the opposite with you  
Habitual lies and secretive motives  
You are a wolf in sheep’s clothing  
I’ve slept next to a stranger  
a dangerous stranger for 2 years  
Thinking I was safe and loved  
What a creepy and heart wrenching feeling that has inched its way from my toes to the tip of my nose from that realization  
I wasn’t looking for this boyfriend relationship shit  
But if I was
I tell you the fuck what  
I would want gentle  
I DESERVE gentle and loving  
Sincere, honest and real  
Not this perverted twisted up regurgitated bullshit you call a relationship  
As my thoughts are leading me down the god forbidden rabbit hole  
You are still driving like an asshole
Literally huffing and puffing  
Sighing like it’s the last breath you’re going to take in this life  
How did I get here  
Who the fuck are you  
Listening to you talk like this  
Makes me want to Vomit  
Crawl into a hole and just die  
It’s true.. everything they have all said about you  
Every gut feeling I’ve ignored  
The red flags I voluntarily gave excuses and justifications for  
You ARE the monster I desperately tried to pretend you weren’t  
And right now in This car I wonder  
How I could have ever been so desperate for companionship  
Or so hungry for intimacy  
That I allowed You a man whom I’ve lived with for 2 years and gave so much to  
Stay a disturbed and sick stranger for this long  
to be driving me 100 mph calling me every name under the sun back to my apartment  
That I’ve allowed you to get so comfortable in  
That you think you can call me a bitch and cunt and then still sit on my couch while I serve you home made stew  
There are two of you  
And there are two of me my love  
And you are about to find out how much you really did need me  
You know what they say  
You don’t really know what you had until it’s gone  
Finally ..we pull into the complex