Short Term Magic

I met him on a website
some might consider tawdry
but my profile wasn't
neither was his

his profile didn't say much
but at least there were no dictures
he liked my photos of Iceland
and my haiku

he sent the first message
soon
random lightweight messages back and forth 
travel
music
the difference between an atheist and an agnostic
he seemed intelligent
I was vaguely interested

we met at a coffee shop
on a Wednesday evening
me, somewhat begrudgingly
I'm tired after long days of teaching 
but he said the weekend
was too long a wait to meet me

i hardly knew anything about him
no picture
seven years younger than me (he said no problem)
 "a very private person"

the night before meeting
he sent a haiku of his own
something about total strangers meeting
what will happen next?

i got out my trusty can of ManbGone
and sprayed him hard
pfffffffft

what will happen next?
probably not much
maybe a friendship

why did i write that?
because t wanted to see if he could stand up to me?
because i hoped he wasn't projecting smarmy romantic thoughts onto me?

yes, he could stand up to it

he sent back another haiku
assuring we'll at least be friends
because he'd miss my wit too much

perfect

I provide details about how to recognize me
blonde hair
purse has a leopard strap
glasses

i scan the coffee shop
hoping the nice-looking man is him

wildly lacking poise when nervousi
I stammer from several feet away
are... um....you...
he fixes me with a gaze
subtly crooks his finger 
beckoning me

it's hot

it gets hotter

the attraction between us is palpable
we click 
animated conversation
he mostly wanted to ask me questions
and control me
starting with asking me to look him in the eye
-something i can have trouble doing with men
but i try
and when i fail
he takes my chin in his hand 
points at his eyes
and makes me

i like it

he's so damned dominant
i fall under his spell
I'm dreamy
floaty
pulsating with peaceful happiness
it's lovely
he tells me I'm in subspace

Really?
but yes, he's right
i am
and damn it feels good

when the coffee shop closes
we go to his car
we kiss across the console
awkwardly
but deliciously
the second round
he wrenches his back
we're old for this

but old as we may be
he's still a major horndog
and I never got the memo
that i'm supposed to be dried up

his hand is down my leggings
in my hot pink panties

i want to spank you he pants
I blush
he says it's cute
i want to fuck you
he pants harder
 he pants out other desires
basically, he wants to everything me

i could use a good everythinging
but i hadn't planned on this
and I'm more into connection and trust
than quick, hot sex

tension is developing 
i don't like how he's demanding to fuck me
the manipulative things he's saying

I tell him honestly that I understand and sympathize with how he feels
but I'm just not ready on a first meeting
i've been raped i share
abused
and you're going to let those people stop you? he says
from getting what you want now?


you know you want it
he fixes me with that gaze
look how wet you are
that's proof

well, yes
but not tonight

i don't like being said no to he grumbles
almost bewildered
like I'm denying him
his constitutional right to pussy

i reach for the door handle
tell him i've loved spending time with him,
but I need to get home
feed my cat
grade papers
yeah, not sexy
ManbGone
pffffffft

okay, feed kitty he says mockingly
i call him out on it
no, he says
no, i didn't mean it to sound that way

still in subspace
i stagger awkwardly out of the car
forcing myself to focus
on finding my ford focus

throughout our two plus hours together
he'd talked about our future
like it was a certain thing
 i told myself that by the weekend
I'll be ready

i'd have to be

i never check the questionable website at work
but i did the next day
excited to hear from him
even if he was a little too damned dominant
he'd said things
that got me but exactly where i live
red flags be damned

i was smitten

i did receive a message:
he really liked me
and loved his time with me 
and that this was a very difficult decision
but that he's a selfish dom
and needs a woman who always put his needs first
and that doesn't seem to be who I am
he then adds, oh so graciously (eye roll)
and that's okay
proposes we be online friends

yeah
right

i somehow make it though the rest of the school day
stay late to prep materials
go home
sit in my recliner
not even hungry (call an ambulance)
catatonic
i consider killing myself
decide i'm not in the mood
go outside 
and walk the parking garage roof

the lights of the city
mollify me
as i walk lap after lap
clarity comes::

short term magic
is better than no magic at all


by morning

i don't even miss him