Journal Entry 9

Birds are singing this morning.  
My wind chimes softly hitting keys letting me know how it feels. It must be floating around in beautiful, for it's song is lovely.  
I want to do something different with my hair for an event coming up this weekend, however I'm definitely a creature of habit, and I know just as soon as I start tinkering around with it, I'll be ticked off with regret. Lol  
Idk, I'm getting so old.  
I mean I know the toll the emotional struggle has taken on me internally, but then when I look in the mirror that war releases it's drill sergeant and he starts screaming at me about everything on the list.  
Like an old cars dashboard lit up because the driver neglected maintenance. Lol  
Get it together...cupcake!  
Literally, an aged old, stale icinged cupcake.  
What the hell happened to me?  
I guess the answers in the question...hell.  
I went through hell!  
Yet, here I am, hair looking like a frizzed out overgrown poodle. Eyes looking like stretched out grocery bags, who spent far too much time looking for the cucumber isle. Actually, who even knows if that technique works? I've seen it in magazines, but I think at this point mine would take a slice of cantaloupe to do me any good.  
Then moving South, my butt like two deflated balloons, boobs longing to rest on my knees in the near future I'm sure.  
My heart? Oh my heart...  
I think it's the only thing left of me that still holds so much youth and desire, but to draw that little girl out at 42 and let her live? Well, I guess that durn drill sergeant may have his day yet, but there's something missing.  
Or is there?  
Maybe I want to believe there's something missing to keep an eternal excuse not to act.  
I'm tired, exhausted, an excuse is justifiable in my opinion.  
But when I think about pounding hooves, river banks, music, laughter...dancing.  
When I think about that little girl lost, I get just as mad as ol' Sarge at myself.  
God, I don't wish to be happily ignorant in vanity, I just want to be me again.  
Still, I know this world is broken, and my little hurdles are nothing in comparison to the wars of today.  
So, please God, help me keep my life in unselfish perspective, most of all help those that are broken to become whole, be a strong tower to the defenseless, and a covering to those that cannot cover themselves.  
Thank you God for mercy, time, and forgiveness.  
Thank you God for being my drill Sergeant, help me to be a better soldier in this life.  
For scripture says, "Like a man, beholding himself in a mirror, and when the mirrors gone, he forgets what manner of man he is".  
I'm just a woman, vanity haunts me like I should be something more, please help me be who you want me to be, most importantly, not who I think I should be.  
Love,  
Anna