a boring low (a day with depression)

6:30am  
I'm awake    
I'm awake I'm awake I'm awake  
I'm not getting out of bed    
but I'm awake    
   
8am  
I get out of bed    
because if I don't  
I'll piss myself    
   
8:10am  
I drink a ginseng tea    
in the hopes it will make    
me feel awake    
because my anxiety  
can't handle coffee today    
   
8:30am    
I got up    
when the bus was leaving    
so we have to uber it    
I feel guilty that I don't regret  
the waste of money    
   
11:45am  
Two ubers and a bus later  
I'm home    
I feel slightly accomplished  
because I decided to stop    
by the post office    
to pick up the Christmas presents  
I couldn't get delivered to the house  
because our dog eats all the packages  
and I don't have the heart    
to keep him on a chain    
   
1:30pm  
I eat a breadroll for lunch    
because I don't have the energy  
to make anything  
that resembles healthy    
   
2pm  
I get a surge of energy  
and cull two boxes    
of my son's toys  
not that anyone can tell  
our house still looks like    
a toybox and bookcase exploded  
and the cleaning crews haven't rocked up yet  
I'm the cleaning crew  
and I don't have the energy  
to rock up for that job  
   
2:30pm    
I watch half a movie  
a musical    
a comfort movie    
realistically  
I'm probably not gonna finish    
watching it for another 3 months    
   
4pm  
Pick up my son from daycare  
I cry in the car for reasons    
I can't explain    
I buy my kiddo a happy meal    
for an early dinner    
because my brain    
can't handle the thought  
of cooking tonight  
   
5:15pm    
I microwave a tub    
of pre-made chicken vegetable soup  
if it means I get to eat vegetables today  
I'm counting that as a win  
   
8:15pm  
I've spent the last 3 hours    
playing the second most boring    
video game on my phone    
I pretend it's not that bad  
because at least it's not Minecraft  
or online shopping    
   
9pm  
My son is finally asleep    
and I'm not getting out of bed again    
until tomorrow  
   
Maybe my anxiety  
will be low enough  
that I can drink coffee  
in the morning    
   
The weight of the blanket    
is the only thing    
that's made me feel safe today