Loss

We have never met in person
I know you through your poetry
Collaborations
Messages
I am connected
Invested in a friendship

You like my work
Think it is good
Worthy of praise
I believe you
Why lie
when you share so much already?
There is no benefit to deception.

My friend and collaborator
Offline for a week
Unusual
Out of character

I was slow to respond to DMs

Perhaps you were angry.  

Not always about me.

DM reply
I am in the hospital

Poetry posts explaining why
Attempted suicide
Pills
Survived
—————-

Sixty round white little pills
Didn’t become my undoing
Thank God I’m still here

————-

Saddened that friendship
Collaboration on poetry
Could end
No explanation
Just the forever ending of contact
No more poems posted
No DMs
Silence
And the question where is my friend?


In writing this
I oscillate between crying
runny nose
messy
feeling.
And wanting to shut down.
Not feel.
Wall it away.
So I don’t feel,
For the moment
Don’t hurt,
For the moment
It is easier that way…..
For the moment
But
The piper will be paid
Now or later.
I will need to feel something,
sometime.

D would ask about my eyes.
teary
heavy
my throat feels choking sadness.
I almost can’t swallow
running nose
teats
down over my mouth
salty
don’t care about the mess.

Feeling what I am feeling,
not evading, avoiding or suppressing.

I don’t want to lose other people.
Even if we have never met in person.