(TW) I Was 16

They say it can be anyone you meet
that's true
yet it only holds truth
until it's a good son
a good brother
a good friend
a good lover.

When given the chance
he lifts people into his arms
that haven't been lifted into others
and in return he'll softly ask the same.

It's not something you want to believe,
but it's also something
that people will try to deceive you of.
which is why
when I scream my truth
with the loudest whisper
it can't even be heard above the drop of a pen.
I was 16.

Sometimes I wake up
laying on the same trailer floor
with our missing bedroom door
the sun barley showing any sign
of it's existence
beyond the blanket that covered the window.

I remember soft kisses
but they didn't feel sweet
they felt like bug bites and grass
things that make my skin itchy
all while you rubbed yourself against me.

I couldn't think much
or tell you to stop
because this didn't happen
to "girls like me"
yet you still continued
while I didn't utter a word
barely even a breath
I was 16.

We'd party we'd drink we'd smoke
I was almost never sober
when I was with you

Often you'd provide the drug
or alcohol and always said it was to "cope"
I sometimes wondered
if you may have consciously known
while you may not have pushed me down
held your hand against my throat
that you still never made sure whether
I said yes
or I said no.  

You may have only assaulted me once
but you took advantage
of my young mind
and body.

You may have
only been 19
but I was 16.

Sometimes it feels like
you're holding a rope
around my throat
and my hands are grasping at it
so you'll let me go

Your name
your face
follow me most places
that I go

Sometimes I wish
I could hold a knife to your back
and utter the words
you used to whisper in my ear
so long ago

"I almost couldn't stop"
Those words that always echo
you'll never understand
the type of pain that I feel
because whenever someone tells you
you say it's a lie
tt isn't real.

I was 16
and while I didn't say it
with my mouth
my non existent yes
meant no.