The enemy that is me

The emptiness that is filling me  
Is suffocating me  
Paralyzing me  
It’s fucken eating me away  
The days fly with no purpose  
Meaningless to do lists  
To make this existence feel somewhat worth living  
Somewhat Ok  
I’ve ran all the good parts of me and my shambolic life straight into the ground  
To cover the shame I smoke  
To forget the failure I smoke  
To avoid the guilt I smoke  
I don’t even get high anymore  
But I smoke to be numb  
That’s my favorite place to be  
Desensitized and lost in a world with no real feelings  
Where I am not forced to face the enemy  
The enemy that is me  
My home has now become as big of a mess and as cluttered as my mind  
Neither is a pleasant place to be  
Favorable and ethical qualities replaced with the inability to function in the real world  
There is nothing about myself that I recognize  
I’m so damn far from the real me  
When did I become so bitter and angry?  
No longer can I see the good in anything  
Life has restyled me into a apathetic pessimist  
Trust is no longer an attribute i posses or am even capable of  
They say our body keeps score, my heart follows suit turning me a constant insatiable questionist  
In the grand scheme of things it’s all so redundant and meaningless  
The bonds i create, wrongs i make right ,hearts i collect on the way or how I occupy my days  
It’s all just simply passing this woeful time  
This emptiness is suffocating me  
Paralyzing me  
It’s fucken eating me away  
The drugs have taken over  
And this life is no longer mine