The Hyman Guy

Back when I felt I owed an answer,
to inquires of why I'd never married
I'd jokingly blame it on the last names of my exes.

I'd share a couple of the multi-syllabic clunkers,
and the one that always got the laugh: Hyman.

It's bad, but not the worst ever.
I was in a children's theater production with a girl whose last name was Dick.
I had a manicurist with the surname Titman
and in second grade
I kicked the biggest boy in the class
- impressively hard I might add -
His last name was Dickhouse.

No Spellcheck, not  'Sick house'
Dickhouse
207 Americans are saddled with that challenging moniker.

The Hyman guy and I were together for a year or two in my early thirties.
We liked a lot of the same things.
We had sporty, satisfactory sex,
and had fun socializing with our big group of friends.

Early in our relationship,
we had dinner at the home of a couple with whom he was close.
I was comfortable with them right away.
After memorably good lasagna,
we smoked a joint.

As the edges of reality softened into a vignette
the Hyman guy and I were lying on the couch,
his arms around my waist
their big dog Bear nearby
Every big dog is named Bear said the husband. Or Max.

The Hyman guy mentioned that he used to show basset hounds.
In my goofy, altered state I quipped "Oh? What did you show them?"
In his goofy, altered state he retorted " My big schlong."

The response was so quick,
and his voice so deadpan
I couldn't stop laughing.
He wasn't as smart as my previous boyfriend,
but I added 10 points to his IQ after that moment.

The Hyman guy wore striped Dennis the Menace t-shirts that stank of Tide.
I'd lean in for an intimate moment,
and get a faceful of Proctor and Gamble.
When we were taking country western dance lessons,
his aptitude was unusually bad.
One dance involved a subtle kick.
Not like you're trying to make a field goal!
I shrewishly admonished him.
His face told me I sucked.
I couldn't disagree.

The silly voices he too often used,
began to grate on me.
(Really, is any woman a fan of those?)
We drifted apart.
Broke up.
Went to a couple of rock concerts as friends two years later.

By the time I left Denver for Portland
he was dating a doctor.
They eventually married.
Had kids.
She kept her own last name.

Good choice.