deepundergroundpoetry.com
Containment Breech
I've got a new thirst
For another new breed,
Another lust looming
With lucid intensity
I wanna be mud
Rounding beneath your rain,
Cos' I wanna be numb
When I am drowning in pain
I'm the eldest seed
I grew under the shade,
Come alive at night while
Fairies start to misbehave
Now covered in blood
I will never concede,
Cos' I have a new cause
And that cause is me.
For another new breed,
Another lust looming
With lucid intensity
I wanna be mud
Rounding beneath your rain,
Cos' I wanna be numb
When I am drowning in pain
I'm the eldest seed
I grew under the shade,
Come alive at night while
Fairies start to misbehave
Now covered in blood
I will never concede,
Cos' I have a new cause
And that cause is me.
Published 9th Jun 2023
| Edited 10th Jun 2023
Author's Note
Thank you for reading.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
I do enjoy the passionate nature of this poem coupled with a newly found desire. It emanates hope and resolve that produces determination and results.
There's something about the 'Cos' here that diminishes the poem ( for me - imho ). That doesn't mean it necessarily does for others.
I want to be mud
Rounding beneath your rain,
Because I wanna be numb
When I am drowning in pain
If you used because, it would add to the consonance of b in line two and three ( beneath/because/be ).
As for the 'wanna' - if you're going to use it, then use it in the first line as well - it will add to the repetition of the stanza. I personally prefer want to; however, this may also be lyrics, as it seems lyrical. And if that's the case, then both wanna and cos would work in lyric format.
Poem format? Not so much - for me, at least.
There's something about the 'Cos' here that diminishes the poem ( for me - imho ). That doesn't mean it necessarily does for others.
I want to be mud
Rounding beneath your rain,
Because I wanna be numb
When I am drowning in pain
If you used because, it would add to the consonance of b in line two and three ( beneath/because/be ).
As for the 'wanna' - if you're going to use it, then use it in the first line as well - it will add to the repetition of the stanza. I personally prefer want to; however, this may also be lyrics, as it seems lyrical. And if that's the case, then both wanna and cos would work in lyric format.
Poem format? Not so much - for me, at least.
10th Jun 2023 8:02pm
Yeah I would categorize this as lyrical.
It was something I was riffing in the shower :)
Thank you for the kind feedback as always.
It was something I was riffing in the shower :)
Thank you for the kind feedback as always.
11th Jun 2023 00:05am
