deepundergroundpoetry.com
the life and the living
you, drunk on the honey,
i, sobered by the sting;
you drink at the fountain,
i, sodden by the fling
of flotsam and jetsam
you hurdle at my face
to render the programme
your fortune—my disgrace.
the milk curds, you guzzle,
while i must count the horns;
you sicken on rose blooms,
while i must bleed on thorns.
content in your castle,
peace find you in the storm;
i trouble the wayside,
but find no nook to warm
my batter-bruised torso,
your instrument of toil,
subdued in your service,
while you reap all the spoil.
you dance in the sunshine,
i tremble in the rain;
you crave life’s wild pleasures,
i vomit up my pain.
you sleep on soft pillows,
discomfort is my stone;
i weep in the willows,
you play your saxophone:
your laughter is shallow,
my sighs cut from the core;
your future is hollow,
my needs shall haunt no more.
the life and the living
are yours alone, it seems;
the death and the dying
are mine, chock full of dreams.
be happy, laugh, eat, live,
while sorrows i endure;
take all your todays, give
me my forevermore.
© Copyright 2023 June 09
by Clyve A. Bowen♫
i, sobered by the sting;
you drink at the fountain,
i, sodden by the fling
of flotsam and jetsam
you hurdle at my face
to render the programme
your fortune—my disgrace.
the milk curds, you guzzle,
while i must count the horns;
you sicken on rose blooms,
while i must bleed on thorns.
content in your castle,
peace find you in the storm;
i trouble the wayside,
but find no nook to warm
my batter-bruised torso,
your instrument of toil,
subdued in your service,
while you reap all the spoil.
you dance in the sunshine,
i tremble in the rain;
you crave life’s wild pleasures,
i vomit up my pain.
you sleep on soft pillows,
discomfort is my stone;
i weep in the willows,
you play your saxophone:
your laughter is shallow,
my sighs cut from the core;
your future is hollow,
my needs shall haunt no more.
the life and the living
are yours alone, it seems;
the death and the dying
are mine, chock full of dreams.
be happy, laugh, eat, live,
while sorrows i endure;
take all your todays, give
me my forevermore.
© Copyright 2023 June 09
by Clyve A. Bowen♫
Published 9th Jun 2023
| Edited 11th Jun 2023
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 4
comments 7
reads 282
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
9th Jun 2023 11:27pm
Firstly, this is one of the best writes I've read from you. The title portends the meaning while the poem encapsulates the essence of that meaning. I am picking up a deeply spiritual connotation here that reminds me of a quote from the late missionary Jim Elliot: "He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose."
Because you have requested honest critique:
your fame and my disgrace.
^ Do you really need the conjunction here? It seems like it would be much more powerful with a semi:
your fame; my disgrace
while you reap all [t]he spoil.
^ You overlooked the t.
take all your todays, give
me my forevermore.
I feel that if you rethought the enjambment here it would work better, Cab.
take all your todays—
give me my forevermore.
Because you have requested honest critique:
your fame and my disgrace.
^ Do you really need the conjunction here? It seems like it would be much more powerful with a semi:
your fame; my disgrace
while you reap all [t]he spoil.
^ You overlooked the t.
take all your todays, give
me my forevermore.
I feel that if you rethought the enjambment here it would work better, Cab.
take all your todays—
give me my forevermore.
Your observations are both encouraging and instructive, Ahavati; thank you for taking the time to be generous both ways.
I do value your opinion, as always, and embrace it, where applicable.
1. I hear you on your first point, to which end I have made an adjustment that preserves the metrical structure while removing the (potentially superfluous) conjunction: your fortune—my disgrace.
2. I saw and corrected the missing "t" before noting your comment.
3. I will keep the enjambment because that preserves the integrity of the end-rhyme pattern: live/give, while grasping the opportunity to include the very figure (enjambment) -
be happy, laugh, eat, live,
while sorrows i endure;
take all your todays, give
me my forevermore.
Moreover, it is rather Shakespearean -- if it is still fine to reflect on the techniques of "the masters." I have also done some additional finetuning to the piece.
I treasure the R/L add.
Yours sincerely
cab
I do value your opinion, as always, and embrace it, where applicable.
1. I hear you on your first point, to which end I have made an adjustment that preserves the metrical structure while removing the (potentially superfluous) conjunction: your fortune—my disgrace.
2. I saw and corrected the missing "t" before noting your comment.
3. I will keep the enjambment because that preserves the integrity of the end-rhyme pattern: live/give, while grasping the opportunity to include the very figure (enjambment) -
be happy, laugh, eat, live,
while sorrows i endure;
take all your todays, give
me my forevermore.
Moreover, it is rather Shakespearean -- if it is still fine to reflect on the techniques of "the masters." I have also done some additional finetuning to the piece.
I treasure the R/L add.
Yours sincerely
cab
10th Jun 2023 5:00am
You're really playing jazz here Cab, I feel the energy flowing through it, a rolling dynamic force behind the words which have a syllabic harmony that dances down the page. Your descriptors are vibrant and activated. The yin and yang of the comparison lines are intriguing, it kept me engaged. There is a sense of declarative and of arrival to it for me.
11th Jun 2023 5:18am
Ha! I like that! Jazz, you say. Didn't think of it that way, but now I feel the blues in the improvisations, the muted tones, the tremolos, and the sequences of the literary saxophone.
You have a way with words, DC, and an analytical ear that forages deep into the bed of meaning to stir fertile soil from beneath the rubble.
Thank you for justifying the validity of the piece in the arena of honourable peer review. It shows only how vulnerable a writer is as he awaits the endorsement and approval or the less common bewilderment of those who search for meaning in the efforts of those who try to give something of themselves.
Yours sincerely
cab
You have a way with words, DC, and an analytical ear that forages deep into the bed of meaning to stir fertile soil from beneath the rubble.
Thank you for justifying the validity of the piece in the arena of honourable peer review. It shows only how vulnerable a writer is as he awaits the endorsement and approval or the less common bewilderment of those who search for meaning in the efforts of those who try to give something of themselves.
Yours sincerely
cab
16th Jun 2023 12:37pm
Your reply is quite erudite in itself my friend. I resonate with what your saying. I was just looking at entering a short story contest, but I am loathe to delete it from DU to meet the eligibility criteria.
The back and forth in this is so human. Relationships - the give and the take - can become painful.
Kudos to you for finding eloquence in Cab!!
You're a jazz star amigo!!
Kudos to you for finding eloquence in Cab!!
You're a jazz star amigo!!
So you hear the counterpoint in these antiphonal lines, Adel! Some ears are even greater than the music they hear, it seems! You are on to something there: the pain of human relationships. But, of course, that comes only because in the giving, some givers give only disenchantment, and in the taking the same takers take all the benefits that belong to others. This is the stench of the inequality of the world in which we live.
Thanks for your commendations and R/L wow.
Yours sincerely
cab
Thanks for your commendations and R/L wow.
Yours sincerely
cab
