deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lone
I don't take much time alone,
out on the green, cup of tea,
fledgling sparrow, fledgling wren,
some sort of paved together
self reflection.
The papavers are out again,
as if predicting rain
as if they're Karen Smith,
as if they might be a weatherman.
I let blousy bruises
match mine,
I let campion sit on my chin while
fairy footed foxgloves
swing under a dog rose.
I let,
I let
it in and out,
the seaweed vines of our wine season,
the quiet in the absence,
some days for the better,
some days for the worse,
and I come with gratitude
for both time and space,
and the ability to sit in my own company
after a long, long time away.
out on the green, cup of tea,
fledgling sparrow, fledgling wren,
some sort of paved together
self reflection.
The papavers are out again,
as if predicting rain
as if they're Karen Smith,
as if they might be a weatherman.
I let blousy bruises
match mine,
I let campion sit on my chin while
fairy footed foxgloves
swing under a dog rose.
I let,
I let
it in and out,
the seaweed vines of our wine season,
the quiet in the absence,
some days for the better,
some days for the worse,
and I come with gratitude
for both time and space,
and the ability to sit in my own company
after a long, long time away.
Published 2nd Jun 2023
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likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 5
reads 154
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Jun 2023 3:26pm
There is a subtle musicality to this piece the lures the reader in and tempts them to linger. Musicality in mind the patterns are present, but not overt.
e.g. fledgling sparrow, fledgling wren
Redundancies would argue to reduce word weight.
e.g. fledglings sparrow and wren
As a reader, the original has the better flow. A minute refrain that parallels the birds themselves.
Flipside on L20, L21 the classic for better or for worse. Are those two lines absolutely essential? If not consider clipping them. Read the piece aloud both with and without 20, 21 consider what you hear.
Overall it is an excellent write. Vivid and beguiling.
e.g. fledgling sparrow, fledgling wren
Redundancies would argue to reduce word weight.
e.g. fledglings sparrow and wren
As a reader, the original has the better flow. A minute refrain that parallels the birds themselves.
Flipside on L20, L21 the classic for better or for worse. Are those two lines absolutely essential? If not consider clipping them. Read the piece aloud both with and without 20, 21 consider what you hear.
Overall it is an excellent write. Vivid and beguiling.
2nd Jun 2023 11:07pm
What a peaceful piece, Gardener! I enjoyed the botanical education...I had to look up papavers and campion. And, for that matter, Karen Smith...what a hilarious reference. I found the YouTube movie clip where she's standing in the pouring rain and she states, in the microphone and as, for some reason she clutches her breasts, saying "there's a 30% chance it's raining now." I'm watching mean girls again😁
What is the significance of "blousy bruises match mine?" Serene piece, Bravissima!
What is the significance of "blousy bruises match mine?" Serene piece, Bravissima!
2nd Jun 2023 11:06pm
The papavers here at called Papaver somniferum 'Lauren's Grape'. The ultimate bruise coloured opium poppy. 💚 Thank you for sharing the research. I adore that this piece inspired it.
2nd Jun 2023 11:18pm
Ah, interesting about the opium poppy...I'll look it up. I have to figure out how to garden in South East Texas. It's super hot starting the end of May to, pretty much, mid October. Everything I try to plant burns. We get sun dried tomatoes on the vine🤠
