Letter to Mother's Lover

I want to add to raconteur’s thoughts. Letter writing can be helpful to sort through your thoughts, even if the letter is not sent. I think that connecting with David is a good idea but I agree with R that you may need to better understand the why for yourself. Certainly you have a connection of shared grief and loving your mother - sharing memories and feelings can be helpful for dealing with grief. People I know who have experienced loss often write letters to those that are not with them as a way of dealing with emotions and keeping connections. You could try writing to your mother about your feelings for David. What would you say to her, how might she respond?  You might get a better idea of what you want from a relationship with David. The tone of the letter suggests interest in an intimate, possibly physical relationship.  

I hope that the connections and support that you get through DU in some small way help you through this time. 🌸

May I kindly respond to your Author's Note with a mix of welcome and caution. I agree, as it's my own feeling, that David and your mother should have been allowed to grow older together and it would give him comfort that was what you thought of his relationship with her. (I assume from your comment that David is himself older than you, correct?) On the face of it you have what can be a heartwarming bond of a shared bereavement of the same woman.          
           
I would not stop you allowing a friendship to form, as I am a man who enjoys an ability to make friends with women, attached or otherwise, not always my same age decade. I have had an ability to make mutual friends of mothers and daughters, which is to me, yes heartwarming and at same time gives me incentive to behave myself lest I get the displeasure of the daughter or mother if I upset their respective mother or daughter! (You and your own mother too I count among such pairs as a result of our online exchanges although we never got to meet face to face and her death makes it impossible now to meet her.)          
           
I'd hang back on being too open now about any wish for an intimate relationship with him on the same basis as he enjoyed with your mother. Imagine how your mother would feel if he did this while she was alive. (Did she in her life believe in mothers and daughters enjoying the same man?) I'd say, please give yourself and him time - for start perhaps allow a 24 hr cooling off period before you actually post this letter might help. It would be wiser if a few visits passed to allow you to form an honest opinion of him as a potential partner then gently let him know if it remains your feeling. You may be safer if you initially meet him bringing a trusted woman friend with you who is already supporting you morally and can give an honest and tempering opinion of him to you when he is gone, having had chance to spot any 'red flags' you might not be apt in your own affections to notice. The one-to-one at a place you both like (I have my favourite beach coast, so I can relate) could come later. as something for the summer.  You could ANY time start sharing stories of your life with  your mother with him, it would help him form a realistic picture of you both and leave him with a sense of enjoying a more informed relationship with you..    
   
After re-reading the last paragraph, I can say let him know you have positive feelings for him as a way to test the water with his feelings, it's less stressful than not saying anything at all.    
           
You have been through a traumatic event in both your lives, May I share a little experience here - when I was 36 I was rescued from drowning after an epileptic fit while swimming and after hospitalisation I had attractions to a few younger women that now feel out of order, both cooled immediately when I learned both were spoken for or otherwise not interested but I remained on friendly terms and I am still thought of with kindness by them.,  One woman who was under 21 I even started fancying I might marry until I was kindly dissuaded by my pastor from kissing during a church service - I was thankful as I came to realise my emotional reasons weren't necessarily right and good ones. (That period helped me to understand why some of the fighter pilots of wartime history were such womanisers and made quick marriages that did not always last when they could not be sure how long they would be alive themselves.) The point is, make sure it's not the traumatic event that's "talking".          
           
I havn't been a parent myself (although I'm not insulated from younger generations - I'm an uncle of a niece of 30 who is in a relationship and of 3 younger but now adult nephews) but I know if I were I would not want to be a rival for the affections of a mature child's partner, nor would I let the child of someone I was in relationship with be a rival to their mother. As to me I would want as a partner someone close to my own age (64 next month) I could grow older with myself.          
           
At the end of the day you are an adult but don't let go of your right to say No (It could help to avoid getting under influence of drink etc in his company). As one newspaper agony aunt I have read wrote (in advice to a man)  "Listen to your head, not your hormones!" I have long learned to meet women head first as well as with a heart open to their kindness, it has been a good filter. Meet David head first, I conclude.            
           
I may have said more than most commenters but I accept sharing is a two-way thing, so don't stop sharing with us on DUP. In a way we could help carry on where sadly your mother left off. I'm sure your mother would approve, if she drew much encouragement from being among us.

The heart wants what the heart wants.  So send the letter so you won't have regrets.  Keep on writing.