deepundergroundpoetry.com
Tattoos
Filigree across your skin
Stories of your life?
Armour against the world?
Let me trace them.
First,
with gentle fingertips
Second,
with teasing kisses
Third,
with Needy tongue
Fourth,
with my body.
Pressing into yours.
Imprinting your stories,
your armour,
into my skin.
Stories of your life?
Armour against the world?
Let me trace them.
First,
with gentle fingertips
Second,
with teasing kisses
Third,
with Needy tongue
Fourth,
with my body.
Pressing into yours.
Imprinting your stories,
your armour,
into my skin.
Published 30th Apr 2023
Author's Note
What can I say, tattoos are exciting.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 0
comments 7
reads 232
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
30th Apr 2023 6:33am
Very wonderful ink Trillium! I agree... some tattoos are sexy... I can relate :)
30th Apr 2023 7:25am
30th Apr 2023 12:09pm
11th May 2023 1:44am
There's something about ink, isn't there?
I love the way you wove the story, taking the skin to your own, and pressing so deep that the layers of color transfer. That's hot.
There are three things that sort of brain-clunked at me in your delicious piece.
The first is the set of questions. Opening with double rhetoric is sometimes passive, and when you're ball-kicking like this -- transferring tattoos is hard core -- it's Ok to really drill your active voice up.
Don't ask if they are. Say they are. Acknowlege what they mean and then TAKE them. Removing the question marks makes you a little darker and more aggressive:
Filigree across your skin
Stories of your life
Armour against the world
Let me trace them.
The other little clang was the "Needy"
Was that autocorrect or poetic license? It didn't float as neatly as the rest so I wanted to ask :)
with Needy tongue
Overall, hot shit. This was stellar.
11th May 2023 6:21am
Dear Betty,
Thank you for the compliments and the very insightful suggestions. I am glad you thought it was hot. I agree with your points about passive versus more active (aggressive voice/approach in the poem). My vision for the ending was sort of a merging of bodies and the impression the experience may leave, but, as you said, there is the sense of dominance and possession. I like your suggestions and want to do a bit of revision(s). I have a better idea of the directions that the poem could go (passive- someone imprinting their stories onto your skin, taking from another, absorbing ink or… becoming another story added to the body art).
Needy was a typo (should have been lower case). I am interested in the effect that an accidental capital had on the flow-interesting idea for adding emphasis or a sense of curiosity for the reader. Hmmmmm.
🌹
Thank you for the compliments and the very insightful suggestions. I am glad you thought it was hot. I agree with your points about passive versus more active (aggressive voice/approach in the poem). My vision for the ending was sort of a merging of bodies and the impression the experience may leave, but, as you said, there is the sense of dominance and possession. I like your suggestions and want to do a bit of revision(s). I have a better idea of the directions that the poem could go (passive- someone imprinting their stories onto your skin, taking from another, absorbing ink or… becoming another story added to the body art).
Needy was a typo (should have been lower case). I am interested in the effect that an accidental capital had on the flow-interesting idea for adding emphasis or a sense of curiosity for the reader. Hmmmmm.
🌹
11th May 2023 7:56am
Dear Betty,
I revised the poem based on your feedback and ideas inspired by your feedback. Thank you. The revised version is Tattoo II. I would really appreciate your feedback, did it hit the mark or does it seem over-worked (does it retain the “hot” effect of the original?)
I revised the poem based on your feedback and ideas inspired by your feedback. Thank you. The revised version is Tattoo II. I would really appreciate your feedback, did it hit the mark or does it seem over-worked (does it retain the “hot” effect of the original?)
11th May 2023 7:56am
Dear Betty,
I revised the poem based on your feedback and ideas inspired by your feedback. Thank you. The revised version is Tattoo II. I would really appreciate your feedback, did it hit the mark or does it seem over-worked (does it retain the “hot” effect of the original?)
I revised the poem based on your feedback and ideas inspired by your feedback. Thank you. The revised version is Tattoo II. I would really appreciate your feedback, did it hit the mark or does it seem over-worked (does it retain the “hot” effect of the original?)
