deepundergroundpoetry.com
Mazmer
For Jane Schaberg
Mary,
only fourteen now
but done in by Imperium.
Panthera’s seed was planted well
against your will
and now, to your regret, you know
you're swelling with his bastard spawn.
Do you, I wonder, rage against your god
who lets such things occur?
Do you demur?
Assume the blame
for your forced adultery?
Have you thought how Joseph,
expecting so to bring you undefiled into his home,
will be fraught and darkly shamed
when he comes to know
how much you’re stained,
so doubly occupied,
and want, as is his right,
to put you far away?
What will you do when he pronounces exile
on your head and says your growing child
is not begot as you in desperation claim
by Spirit bred
from up on high.
So much for being mother to Immanuel.
Mary,
only fourteen now
but done in by Imperium.
Panthera’s seed was planted well
against your will
and now, to your regret, you know
you're swelling with his bastard spawn.
Do you, I wonder, rage against your god
who lets such things occur?
Do you demur?
Assume the blame
for your forced adultery?
Have you thought how Joseph,
expecting so to bring you undefiled into his home,
will be fraught and darkly shamed
when he comes to know
how much you’re stained,
so doubly occupied,
and want, as is his right,
to put you far away?
What will you do when he pronounces exile
on your head and says your growing child
is not begot as you in desperation claim
by Spirit bred
from up on high.
So much for being mother to Immanuel.
Published 2nd Dec 2022
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The author encourages honest critique.
4th Dec 2022 2:33pm
This gave me food for thought. I hadn't really thought about events from Mary's point of view too much. Whatever one believes about the conception, it must have been extremely confusing and frightening for her. As you say, she was just a child. (I have a 14-year old daughter... fortunately we live in a very different culture because I can't imagine marrying her off any time soon, if ever!) The questioning you used in this poem made me ponder things from Mary's perspective. What an overwhelming time. Merry Christmas, if you celebrate.
4th Dec 2022 5:24pm
"Merry Christmas, if you celebrate".
I do. So Happy Christmas to you, too!
And thanks for your thoughts. It pleases me that my piece got you to think about something that you had never considered. But I wonder if you would comment on how and why my submission does (or does not) display craft.
I do. So Happy Christmas to you, too!
And thanks for your thoughts. It pleases me that my piece got you to think about something that you had never considered. But I wonder if you would comment on how and why my submission does (or does not) display craft.
4th Dec 2022 6:03pm
It's an excellent work of art, for sure. The rhythm and meter vary quite a bit, but I think this is absolutely fine for this free-verse style. The varying lengths of the stanzas give it a ponderous feel, as though Mary's thoughts are running away for a bit, then going stop-start-stutter-stop. No idea if this was your intention, but for me they echo her internal turmoil.
Imperium, spawn, demur... all vocabulary choices I haven't come across on here before, so I love that. You have shown the ability to select the best/most specific word for your purposes.
Line breaks: I would have done some of them a little differently, honestly. Nothing you have done is technically wrong, and I appreciate that it's a matter of taste. I have had some good advice from others on here and am happy to share where I'd put them, but also happy to accept that you are probably more knowledgeable than I am. Writing is one very small sideline in my otherwise music-filled life!
I know this is less technical analysis than you are probably used to. That doesn't mean it's worthless, however. I like your poem very much and have hopefully managed to explain why.
Imperium, spawn, demur... all vocabulary choices I haven't come across on here before, so I love that. You have shown the ability to select the best/most specific word for your purposes.
Line breaks: I would have done some of them a little differently, honestly. Nothing you have done is technically wrong, and I appreciate that it's a matter of taste. I have had some good advice from others on here and am happy to share where I'd put them, but also happy to accept that you are probably more knowledgeable than I am. Writing is one very small sideline in my otherwise music-filled life!
I know this is less technical analysis than you are probably used to. That doesn't mean it's worthless, however. I like your poem very much and have hopefully managed to explain why.
5th Dec 2022 3:18pm
Thank you for your detailed comments. They are what I was asking for.
One caveat" You say
"The rhythm and meter vary quite a bit, but I think this is absolutely fine for this free-verse style"
I would argue that what you note is irregular rhythm/meter are instances of acceptable trochaic substitutions in what is otherwise regular iambic meter.
https://tinyurl.com/yfz2424e
One caveat" You say
"The rhythm and meter vary quite a bit, but I think this is absolutely fine for this free-verse style"
I would argue that what you note is irregular rhythm/meter are instances of acceptable trochaic substitutions in what is otherwise regular iambic meter.
https://tinyurl.com/yfz2424e
