deepundergroundpoetry.com
Remind Me
You stole my sanity
she beats
her fists against me
as if she wants it back
naked
a pulsing nerve
her tits bounce with each hit
she’s rabid
and the cure is to batter me
with her demons
because it seems I’ve stolen
her ability to run from them
she’s decided my thick chest is home
an island to lay upon
piece together remnants of things she tried to grind into asphalt
I’m callous
a lifetime of abuse
has ground my emotions to hardened nubs ground my feelings into what they think men are made of
tough mouths
steel fists
and abuse
rage-fucking
happy-fucking
sad-fucking
to bury my emotions between her thighs
sacrifices to the alter of Gaia
my Misogyny is showing
Instead of giving her equal rights
and lefts
like I would to a man
I hold her naked
kiss her scars
let her ram
her anger into honed muscles
I don’t know how to tell her
I stole nothing
she gave it to me
in pleading handfuls
demanded I fix
the tattered remains
I remind her
the only thing I’m capable of
is fucking her till she
forgets
holding her till she stops shaking
and it’s probably not
going to be enough
she beats
her fists against me
as if she wants it back
naked
a pulsing nerve
her tits bounce with each hit
she’s rabid
and the cure is to batter me
with her demons
because it seems I’ve stolen
her ability to run from them
she’s decided my thick chest is home
an island to lay upon
piece together remnants of things she tried to grind into asphalt
I’m callous
a lifetime of abuse
has ground my emotions to hardened nubs ground my feelings into what they think men are made of
tough mouths
steel fists
and abuse
rage-fucking
happy-fucking
sad-fucking
to bury my emotions between her thighs
sacrifices to the alter of Gaia
my Misogyny is showing
Instead of giving her equal rights
and lefts
like I would to a man
I hold her naked
kiss her scars
let her ram
her anger into honed muscles
I don’t know how to tell her
I stole nothing
she gave it to me
in pleading handfuls
demanded I fix
the tattered remains
I remind her
the only thing I’m capable of
is fucking her till she
forgets
holding her till she stops shaking
and it’s probably not
going to be enough
Published 18th Jun 2022
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 5
comments 9
reads 235
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
18th Jun 2022 3:41am
18th Jun 2022 3:43am
18th Jun 2022 3:45am
this is fucking killer but I understand
I don't believe in happy afters
we're all broken in some way
I've given of myself in love and it burns
but I'll take that any day to the emptiness
for the men I've encountered
I'm married twenty five years
and I love my husband
but I get distracted
I wish I could always burn bright for him
I don't
I live with demons too.
fucking killer write...
I don't believe in happy afters
we're all broken in some way
I've given of myself in love and it burns
but I'll take that any day to the emptiness
for the men I've encountered
I'm married twenty five years
and I love my husband
but I get distracted
I wish I could always burn bright for him
I don't
I live with demons too.
fucking killer write...
Anonymous
- Edited 19th Feb 2023 9:45pm
18th Jun 2022 5:38am
<< post removed >>
21st Jun 2022 11:33am
18th Jun 2022 6:55am
What I like about this is that we're powerless to fix someone else, and the feeling of dealing with someone's misplaced rage, misplaced any strong feeling, really. In this, because you have dealt with aggression and misplaced rage as just part of your life, it's channeled to something simpler... sex. Sex is physical, animal, satisfying, and it can calm the storm, if only for a little while.
I particularly like the stanza that states nothing was stolen, but was given. That is often the way it is with emotion. The last stanza brings this home in a powerful way that indicates that the callousness doesn't run so deep as to prevent empathy. No, you don't have the tools to fix this shit, but you know what you can do, and enough heart to be honest with her about it.
I do have a few suggestions:
You stole my sanity --- quotes or perhaps italics, something to set this apart and indicate that it's a statement from the woman, not a statement from the narrator/you, particularly because it opens the piece.
-----
naked a pulsing nerve --- A comma following naked would make this read more the way I think it's intended to
-----
flushed
as if she has a fever --- I think you could sum this up with "fevered"
-----
because it seems I’ve stolen
her ability to run from them ---- I think this could be interesting to cut "it seems" --- she believes you have stolen that ability, and you address that later in the poem. I think not giving away that bit, that you know you haven't in this section makes that part stronger.
-----
an island she can lay down --- this sounds like she's laying down the island... so perhaps "an island where she can lay down" or "an island she can lay upon" -- I like the latter, because I like the way it works with "home"
-----
piece together the remnants of things she tried to grind into asphalt ----- you could easily take "the" out of this.
I particularly like the stanza that states nothing was stolen, but was given. That is often the way it is with emotion. The last stanza brings this home in a powerful way that indicates that the callousness doesn't run so deep as to prevent empathy. No, you don't have the tools to fix this shit, but you know what you can do, and enough heart to be honest with her about it.
I do have a few suggestions:
You stole my sanity --- quotes or perhaps italics, something to set this apart and indicate that it's a statement from the woman, not a statement from the narrator/you, particularly because it opens the piece.
-----
naked a pulsing nerve --- A comma following naked would make this read more the way I think it's intended to
-----
flushed
as if she has a fever --- I think you could sum this up with "fevered"
-----
because it seems I’ve stolen
her ability to run from them ---- I think this could be interesting to cut "it seems" --- she believes you have stolen that ability, and you address that later in the poem. I think not giving away that bit, that you know you haven't in this section makes that part stronger.
-----
an island she can lay down --- this sounds like she's laying down the island... so perhaps "an island where she can lay down" or "an island she can lay upon" -- I like the latter, because I like the way it works with "home"
-----
piece together the remnants of things she tried to grind into asphalt ----- you could easily take "the" out of this.
18th Jun 2022 8:06am
Thanks again for being an awesome copy-editor
I’ve used all of your suggestions but tweaked things a bit differently,
All valid fixes, thanks
I’ve used all of your suggestions but tweaked things a bit differently,
All valid fixes, thanks
18th Jun 2022 12:18pm
20th Jun 2022 5:55am
I can think of better things, but sometimes melancholy fits best,
Depends on the day
Depends on the day
