deepundergroundpoetry.com
Gagging on consequences
I confess.
on splinter embedded knees
sickly fierce projectile eruptions
{full throated blood speckled bile and rage}
splatter all over hidden secrets
past scrapes and bruises
i hack up righteous hate
thick. vile. murderous. rivers.
gleefully, i smear it all over
violently caress
your fucked up grandiosity with puke
rub it in goood
slathering your smug sickening mirage
laugh like a lunatic as acrid stains
bubble perfect boiling traces
scarring with every drop of derision
eyes sparkle a psychotic jubilee
as each lie
each inflicted pain
each unimaginable wrong
find reckoning
severe deserved justice,
where consequences
become miserable
horrific jagged twists
of permanent disfigurement
always on full display
.
.
.
.
as warning
Published 17th Jun 2022
| Edited 18th Jun 2022
Author's Note
Taking a page out of my best buddy's playbook, and purged a little, letting this piece that has been sitting in my drafts for forever, vent out what I usually tamp down.
This is what sometimes finds harbor in my dark subconscious space.
İBlu2022
This is what sometimes finds harbor in my dark subconscious space.
İBlu2022
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 27
reading list entries 8
comments 43
reads 718
Commenting Preference:
The author is looking for friendly feedback.
Anonymous
- Edited 20th Dec 2022 8:45pm
17th Jun 2022 8:05pm
<< post removed >>
17th Jun 2022 8:07pm
Completely.
Great minds thinking alike and all...
Thanks for the nod and for getting it.
🌹 - 🖤
x
Great minds thinking alike and all...
Thanks for the nod and for getting it.
🌹 - 🖤
x
17th Jun 2022 8:09pm
17th Jun 2022 8:10pm
Thanks,wired.
I'm hanging in there
and hope you are as well.
Appreciate the visit muchly.
🌹 - 💙
I'm hanging in there
and hope you are as well.
Appreciate the visit muchly.
🌹 - 💙
17th Jun 2022 8:12pm
17th Jun 2022 8:16pm
17th Jun 2022 8:31pm
hahaha... The anxiousness that came with publishing this piece aside, yes I think I feel a bit less burdened... maybe?!?..
I guess I'll continue to gage it.
Thanks for the lovely visit and sharing in my read, dear L.
I appreciate you taking the time.
🌹 - B
I guess I'll continue to gage it.
Thanks for the lovely visit and sharing in my read, dear L.
I appreciate you taking the time.
🌹 - B
17th Jun 2022 9:22pm
17th Jun 2022 9:28pm
Yessss!!
Just an awesome comment, dear FeNyX
Thank you.... for everything.
🌹-🖤💪🏻
Just an awesome comment, dear FeNyX
Thank you.... for everything.
🌹-🖤💪🏻
17th Jun 2022 9:48pm
I'm really digging this one, and kudos to you for making vomit poetic. I may come back to this and poke around in it a bit, and yes, I realize now what that sounds like. Really nice use of sounds through it, and I always enjoy a good alliteration. The visuals are distinct, and a little squicky at times, just as they should be. Quite effective. I was particularly drawn to, "eyes sparkle a psychotic jubilee." because damn if that doesn't paint an emotional picture. Really engaging read for me :-)
*chuckles.. I wrote this awhile ago and it literally poured out of me. (yes, total bad joke, but true! )
I had it sitting in drafts and finally just said, fuck it and published it after cleaning it up a bit. Yeah, I wanted that over the top disturbing and off putting essence- I am glad it came through. That jubilee line was a relatively new addition and maybe found it's way into my subconscious via a bit of serendipity in me over watching news about the Queen's Jubilee... lol... Hey, accidental inspiration, I'll take it. I'm glad you found some enjoyment and engagement that really makes me feel a bit easier and motivated too. I was concerned because this isn't my typical kind of work.... I absolutely welcome any suggestions or thoughts you might spot that need work, if you're so inclined or have time. No pressure, just wanted to put that out there. I know it's the only way I can clearly learn where my weaknesses are and how I might need to slightly reevaluate my approach to allow for growth and in the end, hopefully the betterment of my writing.
Thanks so much for your truly consequential feedback, I really take it to heart.
🌹-💙
B
I had it sitting in drafts and finally just said, fuck it and published it after cleaning it up a bit. Yeah, I wanted that over the top disturbing and off putting essence- I am glad it came through. That jubilee line was a relatively new addition and maybe found it's way into my subconscious via a bit of serendipity in me over watching news about the Queen's Jubilee... lol... Hey, accidental inspiration, I'll take it. I'm glad you found some enjoyment and engagement that really makes me feel a bit easier and motivated too. I was concerned because this isn't my typical kind of work.... I absolutely welcome any suggestions or thoughts you might spot that need work, if you're so inclined or have time. No pressure, just wanted to put that out there. I know it's the only way I can clearly learn where my weaknesses are and how I might need to slightly reevaluate my approach to allow for growth and in the end, hopefully the betterment of my writing.
Thanks so much for your truly consequential feedback, I really take it to heart.
🌹-💙
B
Anonymous
18th Jun 2022 00:53am
I was concerned because this isn't my typical kind of work....
To hell with typical, aim for better, aim for more of this .
To hell with typical, aim for better, aim for more of this .
18th Jun 2022 7:34am
18th Jun 2022 7:55am
First, I want to say, don't worry about telling your audience that his piece, or any other, isn't your usual. Trying new things, adding new dimensions to you, to the expectation of what you might right doesn't need a warning label.
Second, I want to reiterate that any critiques you get are merely suggestions to think about, just opinions. We all read and take in information differently, so there is not right or wrong, only things to consider. Does taking a suggestion make you like your piece better? Cool. If not, that's cool too. :-)
-----
down on splinter embedded knees --- I don't think you need "down" in this phrase. Being on one's knees already gives that visual. In this case, it gets "embedded" a beat closer to "confess", where the sounds play on one another. Just settles a little more nicely to my ear.
-----
gleefully, i smear it all over --- on this, I questioned what it was being smeared all over... the narrator, the walls, the floor, etc? The question is answered a couple of lines down, but I'm wondering if adding "you" to the end might make this image more concrete and yucky.
-----
violently caressing --- "violently caress" may work well here, feels more direct, more in line with the emotion of the piece
-----
rub it in, goood --- I don't think the comma is necessary here with the beat of pause it adds
-----
laugh like a lunatic when acrid stains --- "as" could work well vs "when" --- it's more in the moment, and "as" would continue the assonance of the phrase you have with laugh, a, lunatic, and acrid.
-----
scarring, with every drop of derision ---- here, again, I think you could consider removing the comma. To me, this works in two ways, it takes the pause from the phrase, and also adds the idea that not only is the puke scarring, but also the derision. Instead of the derision just accompanying the scarring.
Thank you for inviting me to look over this piece more carefully and share some thoughts. :-)
Second, I want to reiterate that any critiques you get are merely suggestions to think about, just opinions. We all read and take in information differently, so there is not right or wrong, only things to consider. Does taking a suggestion make you like your piece better? Cool. If not, that's cool too. :-)
-----
down on splinter embedded knees --- I don't think you need "down" in this phrase. Being on one's knees already gives that visual. In this case, it gets "embedded" a beat closer to "confess", where the sounds play on one another. Just settles a little more nicely to my ear.
-----
gleefully, i smear it all over --- on this, I questioned what it was being smeared all over... the narrator, the walls, the floor, etc? The question is answered a couple of lines down, but I'm wondering if adding "you" to the end might make this image more concrete and yucky.
-----
violently caressing --- "violently caress" may work well here, feels more direct, more in line with the emotion of the piece
-----
rub it in, goood --- I don't think the comma is necessary here with the beat of pause it adds
-----
laugh like a lunatic when acrid stains --- "as" could work well vs "when" --- it's more in the moment, and "as" would continue the assonance of the phrase you have with laugh, a, lunatic, and acrid.
-----
scarring, with every drop of derision ---- here, again, I think you could consider removing the comma. To me, this works in two ways, it takes the pause from the phrase, and also adds the idea that not only is the puke scarring, but also the derision. Instead of the derision just accompanying the scarring.
Thank you for inviting me to look over this piece more carefully and share some thoughts. :-)
I fully understand why and what you're saying about my 'warning' admittance... I think it's just my personality more than anything. Confidence issues that bleed over causing TMI to be shared.
Work in progress there.... I definitely appreciate you saying what you did... Gaps was similar in his thoughts. I am keeping that in my notes to self.
The preview, processing and potential action upon, your generous thoughts / critiquing will definitely be carefully considered and deeply pondered. It's thoughtful and very helpful to be remind that we all vary with our likes, dislikes as well as our individual opinions as to what might and might not work. I hold that information dear and hope to do my best to respect it when asking for (and applying) alternate viewpoints and/or critique.
I am pretty excited about the potential places that could benefit by your suggested changes and see the validity in what you've laid out.
I'm going to go through it all and see how it feels.
Thank you, PS.
Sincerely.
It means a lot to learn and improve.
I'm so grateful for your kindness in taking the time.
I'll keep you posted... as to the changes.
🌹 - 💙
B
Work in progress there.... I definitely appreciate you saying what you did... Gaps was similar in his thoughts. I am keeping that in my notes to self.
The preview, processing and potential action upon, your generous thoughts / critiquing will definitely be carefully considered and deeply pondered. It's thoughtful and very helpful to be remind that we all vary with our likes, dislikes as well as our individual opinions as to what might and might not work. I hold that information dear and hope to do my best to respect it when asking for (and applying) alternate viewpoints and/or critique.
I am pretty excited about the potential places that could benefit by your suggested changes and see the validity in what you've laid out.
I'm going to go through it all and see how it feels.
Thank you, PS.
Sincerely.
It means a lot to learn and improve.
I'm so grateful for your kindness in taking the time.
I'll keep you posted... as to the changes.
🌹 - 💙
B
I think this was a deep lesson for me on remembering how to trust myself.
I was expecting such big correction suggestions and so many highlighed embarrassing grammar/ punctuation mistakes that I was full of relief when reviewing your thoughts and my penning wasn't as awfully riddled with mistake as I figured. A lot of what you suggested I also struggled with prior to my original publishing.... so I guess I felt better, because at least I was in the ball park... lol.
After trying the changes and rereading I went with all of your recommendations except for the 'you' added to the end of "I smear it all over"... I just felt it ended up feeling yuckiest when it was left ambiguous.
The changes
--------
down on splinter embedded knees --- I don't think you need "down" in this phrase. Being on one's knees already gives that visual. In this case, it gets "embedded" a beat closer to "confess", where the sounds play on one another. Just settles a little more nicely to my ear.
*Yes, it reads much cleaner, especially when you read it aloud... it's definitely more satisfying.
-----
gleefully, i smear it all over --- on this, I questioned what it was being smeared all over... the narrator, the walls, the floor, etc? The question is answered a couple of lines down, but I'm wondering if adding "you" to the end might make this image more concrete and yucky.
*already addressed. :)
-----
violently caressing --- "violently caress" may work well here, feels more direct, more in line with the emotion of the piece
* This is one I went round and round with, changing it from caressing to caress several times before publishing, so your suggestion really meant a lot to help me in the feel and ultimately the change made. Thank you!
-----
rub it in, goood --- I don't think the comma is necessary here with the beat of pause it adds
* Commas are my Achilles heel!!
(fucking commas!) .... lol... I swear I always end up either putting them in the wrong place or not putting them at all when they're needed.
I totally updated this change, in fact any change that had anything to do with commas I leaned heavily on your knowledge and suggestions. I freely admit I'm terrible at their proper use. Not always..... only like 80% of the time!
hahaha.
So, big thanks.
-----
laugh like a lunatic when acrid stains --- "as" could work well vs "when" --- it's more in the moment, and "as" would continue the assonance of the phrase you have with laugh, a, lunatic, and acrid.
*This one sounded so so much better with "as" and yes continued the flow in such a more preferred and fluid way... Another wonderful suggestion.
-----
scarring, with every drop of derision ---- here, again, I think you could consider removing the comma. To me, this works in two ways, it takes the pause from the phrase, and also adds the idea that not only is the puke scarring, but also the derision. Instead of the derision just accompanying the scarring.
*I loved and very much appreciate your explanation as to why the comma removal would be so beneficial, which it totally is. It might seem small but it's something that I struggle with which to me really impacts the feel of the reading and the comprehension as a whole. So again,
much thanks.
It's all updated, with changes for the better.
You're awesome, PS.
🌹 - x
I was expecting such big correction suggestions and so many highlighed embarrassing grammar/ punctuation mistakes that I was full of relief when reviewing your thoughts and my penning wasn't as awfully riddled with mistake as I figured. A lot of what you suggested I also struggled with prior to my original publishing.... so I guess I felt better, because at least I was in the ball park... lol.
After trying the changes and rereading I went with all of your recommendations except for the 'you' added to the end of "I smear it all over"... I just felt it ended up feeling yuckiest when it was left ambiguous.
The changes
--------
down on splinter embedded knees --- I don't think you need "down" in this phrase. Being on one's knees already gives that visual. In this case, it gets "embedded" a beat closer to "confess", where the sounds play on one another. Just settles a little more nicely to my ear.
*Yes, it reads much cleaner, especially when you read it aloud... it's definitely more satisfying.
-----
gleefully, i smear it all over --- on this, I questioned what it was being smeared all over... the narrator, the walls, the floor, etc? The question is answered a couple of lines down, but I'm wondering if adding "you" to the end might make this image more concrete and yucky.
*already addressed. :)
-----
violently caressing --- "violently caress" may work well here, feels more direct, more in line with the emotion of the piece
* This is one I went round and round with, changing it from caressing to caress several times before publishing, so your suggestion really meant a lot to help me in the feel and ultimately the change made. Thank you!
-----
rub it in, goood --- I don't think the comma is necessary here with the beat of pause it adds
* Commas are my Achilles heel!!
(fucking commas!) .... lol... I swear I always end up either putting them in the wrong place or not putting them at all when they're needed.
I totally updated this change, in fact any change that had anything to do with commas I leaned heavily on your knowledge and suggestions. I freely admit I'm terrible at their proper use. Not always..... only like 80% of the time!
hahaha.
So, big thanks.
-----
laugh like a lunatic when acrid stains --- "as" could work well vs "when" --- it's more in the moment, and "as" would continue the assonance of the phrase you have with laugh, a, lunatic, and acrid.
*This one sounded so so much better with "as" and yes continued the flow in such a more preferred and fluid way... Another wonderful suggestion.
-----
scarring, with every drop of derision ---- here, again, I think you could consider removing the comma. To me, this works in two ways, it takes the pause from the phrase, and also adds the idea that not only is the puke scarring, but also the derision. Instead of the derision just accompanying the scarring.
*I loved and very much appreciate your explanation as to why the comma removal would be so beneficial, which it totally is. It might seem small but it's something that I struggle with which to me really impacts the feel of the reading and the comprehension as a whole. So again,
much thanks.
It's all updated, with changes for the better.
You're awesome, PS.
🌹 - x
18th Jun 2022 10:53am
I'm glad that they helped you sort a few things out. I admit I don't know all the proper rules for commas, and some that are grammatically correct don't always feel right in poetry. So, I see no issue in playing with them or worrying to much about rules.
Poetry is fun because such little changes can make a difference. Reading aloud when editing is really helpful when it comes to word choices and the way things sound.
And, yes, do trust yourself and what works best for you. :-)
Poetry is fun because such little changes can make a difference. Reading aloud when editing is really helpful when it comes to word choices and the way things sound.
And, yes, do trust yourself and what works best for you. :-)
17th Jun 2022 9:48pm
Great job with this... raw... pure... truth... I will take an ugly truth over a beautiful lie any day... bravo B...
Your thoughts hit hard LilD... I can't agree more.
Thank you for taking the time, for the generous list add and your much valued insight.
I'm so very glad you found something here.
🌹 - 💙
B
Thank you for taking the time, for the generous list add and your much valued insight.
I'm so very glad you found something here.
🌹 - 💙
B
17th Jun 2022 10:30pm
haha... Indeed, everyone has their own boiling point!! 🌡️
Thanks for getting it, CF.
I'm stoked for the support and really appreciate the feedback /RL add.
'gem
🌹 - B
Thanks for getting it, CF.
I'm stoked for the support and really appreciate the feedback /RL add.
'gem
🌹 - B
You are hot and sexy when you let the anger out. Keep on writing you strong beautiful smart sexy woman.
18th Jun 2022 00:27am
Ha!!
Your generousity is truly epic with that statement, Francisco..... I'm so tickled you think so! .. 🤭
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me
I deeply appreciate it
🌹 - B
Your generousity is truly epic with that statement, Francisco..... I'm so tickled you think so! .. 🤭
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me
I deeply appreciate it
🌹 - B
18th Jun 2022 00:27am
18th Jun 2022 00:36am
For the most part it probably falls on the sane side of crazy... and is mostly aired out now..... but this isn't the first poem I've written that deals about stuff /issues that I found lurking or lost within the closeted trenches...
This is just the angriest... lol.
;)
I know this is the literal sense but it totally felt apropos to revisit... 😈
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/446394-here-kitty-kitty/
Love seeing you, RT...
missed your thoughts.
🌹 - B
This is just the angriest... lol.
;)
I know this is the literal sense but it totally felt apropos to revisit... 😈
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/446394-here-kitty-kitty/
Love seeing you, RT...
missed your thoughts.
🌹 - B
18th Jun 2022 00:55am
lol.... Yes, true but a conversion I couldn't help but be reminded of.... Perhaps a few emotions are in some way part and parcel....
Having fine lines, I'm sure.
🌹-
Having fine lines, I'm sure.
🌹-
18th Jun 2022 7:46am
Reminds me of the older poets from when I first came here. Got a lot of inspiration from them. Most of them were into darker stuff.
Wonderful different approach my friend 😁
Wonderful different approach my friend 😁
18th Jun 2022 8:02am
I find much to like and savour from your generous feedback and take deep pride in that comparison, DC. Revealing one's raw and open darkness, showing all that isn't always so pretty can be freeing and fucking terrifying all jumbled together.. but it's real and honest, without gimmicks or pretense... and hopefully I can continue walking a similar explorative path.
Thanks for help in highlighting my way, friend.
Glad you enjoyed my approach.
🌹 - 🖤
B
Thanks for help in highlighting my way, friend.
Glad you enjoyed my approach.
🌹 - 🖤
B
18th Jun 2022 10:12am
Go with what you feel I always say. As for me I think writing helps free my mind. Keeps me calm and level headed. No matter the subject it's always worth the release.
18th Jun 2022 10:15am
You absolutely nailed it, DC ...
For me personally, the best and most helpful outlet... Therapeutic, without a doubt.
Great advice, thx tons.
-B
For me personally, the best and most helpful outlet... Therapeutic, without a doubt.
Great advice, thx tons.
-B
18th Jun 2022 8:43am
Thank u for two things! Telling me a horror story, as well as, this sweetness. I feel like a lil kid listen to his aunt tell him a scary made up story to scare him, but, makes laugh tickling him at the same time.
18th Jun 2022 11:45am
You're very astute Birchel!
Thanks for picking up on the that essence of horror that definitely whispers its way through this piece... I loved your comparison with your aunt scaring you and tickling those scared nerves away, as a child... That's a perfect memory to conjur and feel in conjuction...
I'm so glad I could help your relive that a bit and that you enjoyed reading.
I appreciate you and your visits greatly.
Take care,
🌹 - B
Thanks for picking up on the that essence of horror that definitely whispers its way through this piece... I loved your comparison with your aunt scaring you and tickling those scared nerves away, as a child... That's a perfect memory to conjur and feel in conjuction...
I'm so glad I could help your relive that a bit and that you enjoyed reading.
I appreciate you and your visits greatly.
Take care,
🌹 - B
18th Jun 2022 7:35pm
Anonymous
18th Jun 2022 9:23am
<< post removed >>
Yessss!! 🐍
I think pursuing your most base level, stark honest truths, (which are probably the most feared and most difficult to reveal) , usually makes for the most riveting reads. It's finding that bravery!!
I know for myself, that's an issue I'm working on..I definitely appreciate it when I come across those who so well harness their own bravery and then successfully incorporate it into their writing..... something I strive towards.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me and appreciating my attempt ... it means a lot to me, my friend
Returned weekend well wishes sent your way ✨
🌹 - B
x
I think pursuing your most base level, stark honest truths, (which are probably the most feared and most difficult to reveal) , usually makes for the most riveting reads. It's finding that bravery!!
I know for myself, that's an issue I'm working on..I definitely appreciate it when I come across those who so well harness their own bravery and then successfully incorporate it into their writing..... something I strive towards.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me and appreciating my attempt ... it means a lot to me, my friend
Returned weekend well wishes sent your way ✨
🌹 - B
x
18th Jun 2022 2:18pm
"thick. vile. murderous. rivers." I really caught the mood with this line. It is a image of rage. Great write.
Remind me never to cross you
Regards
James
Remind me never to cross you
Regards
James
18th Jun 2022 2:28pm
hahaha... Nahhh... I'm a pussy cat!.... (until I'm not!)🙀😸😹😻😽🙀
Thanks for catching the feel / tone, James.
Means a lot you felt that conveyed properly.
Yep, sometimes the kettle has to scream out it's pressurized steam!!
Adore seeing you and hope you've been doing well.
🌹 - 🖤
x
Thanks for catching the feel / tone, James.
Means a lot you felt that conveyed properly.
Yep, sometimes the kettle has to scream out it's pressurized steam!!
Adore seeing you and hope you've been doing well.
🌹 - 🖤
x
18th Jun 2022 2:32pm
19th Jun 2022 10:28am
sounds like someone is having the time of their life getting revenge lol good poem
19th Jun 2022 4:50pm
lol.....
I mean 😇
ha!
Thanks, Johnny.
Glad to have your eyes give it a once over.
Much obliged.
🌹 - B
I mean 😇
ha!
Thanks, Johnny.
Glad to have your eyes give it a once over.
Much obliged.
🌹 - B
17th Aug 2023 8:41pm
17th Aug 2023 8:47pm
lol...
Thanks, Rew
No clue needed... just glad you could feel the power I had hoped to convey!!
Appreciate the visit!
🌹💙
Thanks, Rew
No clue needed... just glad you could feel the power I had hoped to convey!!
Appreciate the visit!
🌹💙
