deepundergroundpoetry.com
Public Celebration
Celebrating
desires
given by creation
multiplied joy with
those of us
grateful to be
in attendance.
desires
given by creation
multiplied joy with
those of us
grateful to be
in attendance.
Published 14th Jun 2022
| Edited 15th Jun 2022
Author's Note
I admired the openness of a couple at a recent house party.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 0
comments 9
reads 458
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
14th Jun 2022 1:44pm
14th Jun 2022 6:56pm
14th Jun 2022 8:50pm
I really like this brief verse, that is really universal, and only given specific context by your addition of a photo and author's note.
A couple of suggestions, if you'd like to give them some thought:
celebrating the desires - I don't think you need "the". To me "celebrating desires" is just a little stronger and better emphasizes the idea
similarly, I think you could eliminate "their" from this sequence:
they multiplied
their joy with
This is a very short poem, and you've got several lines that start with "th"... the, their, they, their, those... three of those right in a row, with the "their" repetition. It's a small space, and I think by removing "the" and the second "their" it gives some relief to the eye and helps to highlight a couple of key words, desires and joy.
Thanks for sharing the lovely poem. :-)
A couple of suggestions, if you'd like to give them some thought:
celebrating the desires - I don't think you need "the". To me "celebrating desires" is just a little stronger and better emphasizes the idea
similarly, I think you could eliminate "their" from this sequence:
they multiplied
their joy with
This is a very short poem, and you've got several lines that start with "th"... the, their, they, their, those... three of those right in a row, with the "their" repetition. It's a small space, and I think by removing "the" and the second "their" it gives some relief to the eye and helps to highlight a couple of key words, desires and joy.
Thanks for sharing the lovely poem. :-)
15th Jun 2022 5:58am
15th Jun 2022 6:06am
My pleasure! You really did play with edits, didn't you? I like the new streamlined version... really gets to the heart of the matter. :-)
15th Jun 2022 11:13am
Anonymous
- Edited 6th Aug 2022 9:45pm
19th Jun 2022 1:22pm
<< post removed >>
20th Jun 2022 12:26pm
Oooooo, LV
You keenly and succinctly pen this little gem... it sizzles.
🌹-💙
B
You keenly and succinctly pen this little gem... it sizzles.
🌹-💙
B
20th Jun 2022 4:42pm
