all the girls I kinda loved

1. It wasn't true love
but she was the first person
to make me feel alive  
every kiss and touch electrified
 
But her wildness held something darker  
and she wasn't good at  
keeping her hands in one relationship  
she dreamed of a heteronormative life
and I dreamed or being able to walk
hand in hand down the street  
with my girlfriend  
without being called a fake lesbian
or a cock tease  
for someone's threesome fantasy
 
2. Her girlfriend died in a car accident  
and she used my attention
to fill the void of grief  
I liked kissing her  
through our mutual drunken sadness  
she liked my short dresses  
and I liked her pink mowhawk  
but she told me  
she could never date a bisexual girl
and my big words intimidated her
we stayed friends
until one day  
she just stopped picking up the phone
 
3. She was a powder keg to my darkness
poetry set us on fire  
between her manic highs
and crushing lows  
I felt like a balm to her beautiful crazy
 
I didn't mind that she'd run back
to her ex girlfriend for sex
when I was too far away  
to satisfy her needs
 
At least she was temporarily happy
 
I walked away when she confessed  
she got a boner for serial killers
and shared her dark fantasies
about me and her running off  
into the city on a fucking and killing spree
 
Maybe it was just the psychosis talking  
I didn't stick around to find out
 
4. She looked like an androgynous model
big blue eyes and peach coloured hair
I couldn't speak in proper sentences  
my knees struggling to keep me standing
when all of me just wanted to kneel
in the glory of her presence  
 
I never told her she made me weak
and there was no way someone so beautiful
would ever look twice at me  
so I ghosted
but I still follow her on Facebook  
 
© Indie Adams 2022