how to run away like it's an art form

I'm good at running  
I've been running my whole life
I can run from anything  
bail like I was nothing more
than a dream imprinted on your memory
 
1. I remember his face
when I reappeared in his life
after disappearing
like a missing person  
on a late night in June  
 
I smoked a billy like it was nothing  
and deadpanned his surprise  
though I smiled on the inside
I didn't know I was more than a fuck  
until that moment  
his face broke a little  
 
I didn't fuck him again  
but I did get to watch his new girlfriend  
bleed all over him  
like she was marking her territory  
never mind that I didn't want him anyway
 
2. He never really wanted me  
but we called it love  
and I believed every lie he fed me  
 
He ran first when life got big
and round and real  
in the shape of my belly  
 
I found safe harbour  
at 7 months pregnant
when he drunkenly decided
it was time for him step up
which looked like me  
moving in with him and his mother
 
My no proved to be the wrong answer
and I blocked him after weeks
of drunken begging and threats
that ended in a DVO  
 
It's been 17 years since I've seen him
and last I heard he's still a drunk  
 
I don't regret a thing
 
3. I always fall in love with addicts
tell myself I can leave when things get bad
but I didn't leave
when it felt like true love  
and it cost me everything  
 
I'm hoping sobriety is easier  
for us to wear in the do over  
 
This is the first time I've ever run back home
 
I want to be more than a dream  
or a memory tangled in the bedsheets
 
I want to know love is real
beyond the small ways  
we kill ourselves  
 
Because I'm good at running  
I've been running my whole life
I can run from anything  
but I don't want to run anymore
 
© Indie Adams 2022