A Snippet Of My Life, and RSD

RSD Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
had an unhappy childhood, and a heavy handed parent, and bullied at many of the 14 schools i went to. my siblings always referred to me as the sensitive one (but later in life, i came to realise that my sensitivity, was also a plus), have had multiple PTSD events, that don't include my heart attack, as at least the surgeon was there to help me. both parents had MH issues, my fathers was anxiety, and depression, my mothers was very complex, and on some occasions terrified me, and i was the one that found her dead, under particularly unpleasant circumstances (this happened on 27th dec, hence my dislike of xmas), and a multitude of real life events. i don't get angry when upset, just saddened. ive always aimed to please, but have walked out of several jobs, when an employer has tried to take advantage, when expecting me to do more than other people doing the same job, but if they reward me with compliments for my endeavours with a bit of praise, this plays into my RSD also! but with age, ive come to recognise myself, and thus have a better understanding of my condition, just didn't have a name for it. also accounts perhaps for me now being single for so long, as to fearful of rejection, and the embarrassment. yet i was with my last long term partner for 23 years. so i normally have good coping mechanisms. i used to have serious panic attacks, and tried really hard to fight them off, but then discovered that instead of fighting it off, i decided to roll with it, and accept it, i also became aware of real danger, after suffering some severe beatings, where i was kick, punched, headbutted, so avoide being near psychotic lunatics, and got good at humouring them to make good my escape, this was nothing to to with being a people pleaser, this was to do with survival! this is just a short brief of my life, a life i was convinced i wouldn't last more that 20 years, and 30 at a push. with regards sexual partners, i also tried to please all of them as well, not sure if that was RSD or me being a Scorpio, and another factor to throw into the mix, is my gender, as i was never comfortable in my body as a man, it felt wrong, now it feels right, just one digit less now! could of been 2, as my thumb was crushed aged 17, so was thumbthing wrong with me! this year is my bucket year, before i kick the bucket! so doing all the things i should of done years ago, and today just done my 7th stand up on a stage open mic poetry read for this year, and have so far written 489 poems since january 2021 just over one per day a total of 765 so far, anyway, time to rest my brain, and still have Wordle to do!  
By Jemia xx