Don't Deserve What Ifs

I'm tired of the what ifs.
I'm tired of this mental list.
My mind is going crazy.
My heart is getting empty.

What if I wouldn't have left?
What if I wouldn't have slept?
What if I would have told you how I felt?
What if I could go back and just accept?

Accept the feelings I ran from.
Accept that you weren't dumb.
Some things you said make sense now.
All of the things I just wouldn't allow.

I wouldn't allow you to break my walls.
I would purposely ignore all your calls.
Even when I knew that you were crying.
I convinced myself that you were lying.

Putting on an act to make me believe.
To make me believe that you loved me.
I had this idea of you in my mind.
So all of your attempts I would deny.

No matter how many explanations you offered.
Because I wanted to show that you were a coward.
A narcissist who could never love anyone.
Who tosses us away when they're done.

I had this idea, but you proved me wrong.
When I fell asleep when you took too long.
Instead of waking me, you let me rest.
That's all it took for you to pass the test.

I got scared and ran away.
I'm the one who can't stay.
I'm the one who can't commit.
So, I don't deserve the what ifs.