Self-Pitiful

Self pitiful
Self critical
Yet here i am

I was developed
With a brain that could master anything it ever wanted
Without effort
(Now i have no effort left)

I was enveloped
In a past where i was blind to my environment
Only to be confused later by the clarity

I'm sure i have only myself to blame
But i replay it over and over again
My adults are failures
My adolescent endeavors

I could have been, anything
A lie your parents told you
Was true for me
But in a decade of existence it all evaporated
And i barely see it now

Knee jerked and crippled
I have only acted upon what was thrown my way
If i ever eat a bullet
Wear a rope
Know it came from being far too empathetic
My detriment

I squandered college
To work in factories before i could even vote
To take care of someone elses mental illness
That too came from their past generations

Fought tooth and nail
Worked to my bone
Without zero appreciation
So that i could be 3 decades deep
Broke, with nothing to show

How could i not see that all my efforts were in vain
The pattern is there and dare i say I've never been to blame

Yet blame is what i wear
Baptised in stagnant water full of leeches
Sin is thrill
Thrill is life
I find myself too pure and miserable

What have i done?
Could i have ever given more?
To myself who is more than worthy
Despite every breath in contridiction

No step is correct
Unable to grasp freedom over my own life
I am a constant slave to my surroundings

I wish i would cry
I wish i could cry
But every attempt just bottles more
Perhaps implosion is my answer

I've done everything that I've ever had too
Never selfish enough
And all it's equated is misery

I've broke the patterns
I'm better than all you've ever met
And yet,
I'm silent as not to burden others
Others who could care less

A fuckin mess
Stone faced to survive
And no matter how far i think
I can't see me as alive
To ever thrive

So i decided between these chained cigarettes
To write it all here instead
And yet,
These aren't even the words i wanted

Troubled and haunted
Deep breath
Please awake me from my fog
I've wasted enough time being lost

Can i do what i want?
Who will grant me permission
If i can't even grant myself
And if they did would i even listen?

I wish i would cry
I need such a release
I wish i could die
Or just go back to drinking

Happy endings are a sham
I've never been a fan
Give me a story wrapped in reality
My truths that lie to me

There's no way to end this
I am unrepentant
But if i don't break some fuckers jaw
Then will i ever be truly released?

I'm sat in anger
So damn tired
I have no energy for this fight

Time to start again
Draw in fresh breath
Fuck it, let's go again.