Mumbling in the night

This is a diary entry form last week. I don't know the exact date anymore. But after reading it back to myself I needed to put it on DU.

I find myself struggling to find my place, I’m totally losing my mind. Where do I belong what is my purpose? Do I exist only to please my wife and children? Is there something more for me? I can imagine a life without purpose or goal. I try to set a goal each and every day. Today I want to finish that hard project we’ve been working on for over 2 months. Tomorrow I want to clean the whole house. And the day after I want to tidy up the entire garden. But today my plans were ruined by colleagues asking stupid questions and trying to have small talk. Now I have to finish that project tomorrow but uh oh tomorrow I need to clean the whole house and don’t have any time to work on that. The day after then. The garden isn’t that big and will only take half a day. So I can do the garden and the project afterward. Yes, I can do this. WRONG! Your wife has other plans. She want’s you to go to a BBQ for her parents because of their anniversary, NO BUTS! Now everything that I wanted to do gets delayed or cancelled because of reasons I cannot control.

When being alone I can get so much more done. Without the burden of other people I can achieve anything. Why do I still surround myself with people that don’t understand me? Why do I still ask for help when I obviously don’t need any? Why do people keep on interfering with my planning and time table? Can’t they see that what they are telling me is irrelevant to me? That their petty problems don’t excite me anymore. I need challenge and space. Difficulty and silence. I need everyone to go and leave me be… But I’m never alone am I? I can’t be alone? There are small moments where he does not stick his nose in my affairs. But most of the time he is ever present. Always criticizing my actions and dismissing my achievements. I can’t take it anymore. He is getting louder and louder each and every day. It’s hard to concentrate or to do even the most simple tasks. I wish I told my wife that she could stick that BBQ up her &*%$. So I would have finished my work and wouldn’t have to listen to him. But no I was weak and caring. I could not tell my wife and children daddy was busy and needed to do some overtime.

No Family is always the most important thing. Nothing is more precious than your own kin. And you need to cherish each and every moment of it. Taking pictures, filming all event transpiring in their lives. Like some autobiography. Why can’t we enjoy the small thing? Why can’t we just listen to that piano recital instead of recording and listen to it afterward? Why can’t we enjoy the happiness your son feels when he finally can ride his bike without training wheels? Why do I need to watch my Son and daughter grow up through a screen? I have my memories that I can use to remember those moments. These experiences won’t fade. And we always recollect the times we were truly happy. I don’t need physical proof to know I was there when my daughter was born. I know I was. I always know where I am, was or will be.