deepundergroundpoetry.com
WHEN HEARTS CRY
WHEN HEARTS CRY
The streets on which my father walked
long time ago to reach his work
are dear to me and call my heart
to shed its inner tears unseen.
Some parts of them are wholly changed
but not inside my wistful mind.
I still recall how they were then
The unchanged sites can me remind.
I miss the persons; they're still dear
as they were when l could not deem
to part with them when they were here
but add to that the work of time.
As they have left, my heart is squeezed.
I miss them and l have no hope.
Since l can't see them anymore,
I can't leave where they loved to live.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
___________________________________
The streets on which my father walked
long time ago to reach his work
are dear to me and call my heart
to shed its inner tears unseen.
Some parts of them are wholly changed
but not inside my wistful mind.
I still recall how they were then
The unchanged sites can me remind.
I miss the persons; they're still dear
as they were when l could not deem
to part with them when they were here
but add to that the work of time.
As they have left, my heart is squeezed.
I miss them and l have no hope.
Since l can't see them anymore,
I can't leave where they loved to live.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
___________________________________
Published 23rd Jun 2021
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
23rd Jun 2021 10:34pm
"The streets on which my father walked
long time ago to reach his work
is dear to me
"long sime ago" should be "a long time ago"
And "streets .. is" is a solecism -- a noun verb agreement mistake, Should be "ARE dear to me."mistake.
"and call my heart
to shed its inner tears unseen."
Why would your heart call you to do something that's already done? Inner tears are hidden ones.
Poor writing from the get go.
long time ago to reach his work
is dear to me
"long sime ago" should be "a long time ago"
And "streets .. is" is a solecism -- a noun verb agreement mistake, Should be "ARE dear to me."mistake.
"and call my heart
to shed its inner tears unseen."
Why would your heart call you to do something that's already done? Inner tears are hidden ones.
Poor writing from the get go.
23rd Jun 2021 10:58pm
24th Jun 2021 00:12am
The question is whether the evocation could have been done more effectively with the avoidance of grammar gaffes, discordant statements, any inversions to get a rhyme, and the use of sensory imagery rather than declarative sentences. This presently is all tell and no show.
24th Jun 2021 00:59am
24th Jun 2021 2:38am
It's a public forum. If you post publicly -- and make claims -- you open yourself up to be publicly taken up on them.
Best of luck with your poetry writing ... may it bring you peace ... Namaste ...
23rd Jun 2021 11:03pm
Dear Lil,
Thank you very much for your very kind comment, which l highly appreciate.
Thank you very much for your very kind comment, which l highly appreciate.
24th Jun 2021 1:07am
This is poorly written in a number of places. Leaving aside the question of how many times you use the word "dear", not to mention that until you use some sensory image to let a reader know what this means, it's an abstraction. And as Walt MacDonald notes
http://www.everypoet.org/pffa/showthread.php?27474-quot-Advice-I-Wish-I-d-Been-Told-quot-by-Walt-MacDonald&s=
abstractions are the death of poetry.
First
"The unchanged sites can me remind."
This is forced rhyme. You do not think that this inversion is not only awkward but something that you've done just to get a rhyme?
Second
"I miss the persons; they're still dear
to part with them when they were here
THE persons is another example of your tendency to write deictically. WHICH persons are you speaking about? And your syntax makes you say that whoever the persons were , they are fond of your parting with them in the past. Clumsy writing.
And you've given "deem" a meaning it does not have.
https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/deem
"but add to that the work of time."
More deixis. Add to what? And what work has time engaged in?
"As they have left,"
So they moved away?
" my heart is squeezed.
"I miss them and l have no hope."
Really? No hope for what?
"Since l can't see them anymore,
I can't leave where they loved to live."
The last line is metrically clunky.
I can't LEAVE where THEY LOVED to LIVE.
And you are stating that the reason you are unable to leave the streets where your father used to walk is that you can no longer see the people who once lived there, even though your opening lines imply that you live elsewhere. It is hardly clear how your no longer seeing those who have left the streets your father used to walk compels you to stay there. Presumably you'd retain the memory of these people no matter where you live. And it is also unclear that the people you mention actually loved to live where they used to live. Maybe they could not afford to move elsewhere and so they were forced to stay.
But in any case, thanks for implicitly acknowledging in your change of "is" to "are" that you who often claim, however indirectly, that it is impossible for you to write poorly and that you are a master of English, made a grammar mistake in the first stanza.
http://www.everypoet.org/pffa/showthread.php?27474-quot-Advice-I-Wish-I-d-Been-Told-quot-by-Walt-MacDonald&s=
abstractions are the death of poetry.
First
"The unchanged sites can me remind."
This is forced rhyme. You do not think that this inversion is not only awkward but something that you've done just to get a rhyme?
Second
"I miss the persons; they're still dear
to part with them when they were here
THE persons is another example of your tendency to write deictically. WHICH persons are you speaking about? And your syntax makes you say that whoever the persons were , they are fond of your parting with them in the past. Clumsy writing.
And you've given "deem" a meaning it does not have.
https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/deem
"but add to that the work of time."
More deixis. Add to what? And what work has time engaged in?
"As they have left,"
So they moved away?
" my heart is squeezed.
"I miss them and l have no hope."
Really? No hope for what?
"Since l can't see them anymore,
I can't leave where they loved to live."
The last line is metrically clunky.
I can't LEAVE where THEY LOVED to LIVE.
And you are stating that the reason you are unable to leave the streets where your father used to walk is that you can no longer see the people who once lived there, even though your opening lines imply that you live elsewhere. It is hardly clear how your no longer seeing those who have left the streets your father used to walk compels you to stay there. Presumably you'd retain the memory of these people no matter where you live. And it is also unclear that the people you mention actually loved to live where they used to live. Maybe they could not afford to move elsewhere and so they were forced to stay.
But in any case, thanks for implicitly acknowledging in your change of "is" to "are" that you who often claim, however indirectly, that it is impossible for you to write poorly and that you are a master of English, made a grammar mistake in the first stanza.
25th Jun 2021 8:06pm
I think it's beautifully written and evocative. If you ever decide to publish your life story, I'd certainly be interested in reading it.
"Lozzamus
I think it's beautifully written..."
I am always amazed that someone who thinks that a writing like this one, that is, a writing that contains inversions, grammar gaffes, conceptual inconsistencies, forced rhyme, inconsistent meter, lines so poorly worded that they don’t make sense, deixis, incomplete thoughts, limited and repetitive vocabulary, mawkish sentiment, no fresh or startling or clever language, and no appeals to the senses is something that is beautifully written.
I guess we work from different criteria regarding what makes a writing well written, let alone beautifully so. And I wonder if you realize that the inexplicable praise you give to J-Z's submissions only insures that he will keep posting things that will continue to be filled with these writing faults.
I think it's beautifully written..."
I am always amazed that someone who thinks that a writing like this one, that is, a writing that contains inversions, grammar gaffes, conceptual inconsistencies, forced rhyme, inconsistent meter, lines so poorly worded that they don’t make sense, deixis, incomplete thoughts, limited and repetitive vocabulary, mawkish sentiment, no fresh or startling or clever language, and no appeals to the senses is something that is beautifully written.
I guess we work from different criteria regarding what makes a writing well written, let alone beautifully so. And I wonder if you realize that the inexplicable praise you give to J-Z's submissions only insures that he will keep posting things that will continue to be filled with these writing faults.
25th Jun 2021 9:48pm
Dear Lozzamus,
My childhood and adolescence were very easy and comfortable. I received all the care needed from very loving and generous parents who offered me all the help needed and lavishly more. Therefore, there was nothing interesting to write about. However, l admire your success in life despite all the difficulties. You are a great man. You should be proud that you could make a successful man of yourself.
My childhood and adolescence were very easy and comfortable. I received all the care needed from very loving and generous parents who offered me all the help needed and lavishly more. Therefore, there was nothing interesting to write about. However, l admire your success in life despite all the difficulties. You are a great man. You should be proud that you could make a successful man of yourself.
26th Jun 2021 3:35pm
26th Jun 2021 2:51pm
Dear intruder,
The other participants are honest and important poets and writers. They are not waiting for you to tell them what they should write about my poetry. They know what they say very well. Just have a look at their pages. They are excellent poets. They have very respected opinions.
The other participants are honest and important poets and writers. They are not waiting for you to tell them what they should write about my poetry. They know what they say very well. Just have a look at their pages. They are excellent poets. They have very respected opinions.
"The other participants are honest and important poets and writers."
So I am a dishonest and insignificant writer? I guess that means that other members of DUP who find my work to be worth noting are also dishonest, have no critical acumen, don't know anything about poetry, and are insignificant writers.
"They are not waiting for you to tell them what they should write about my poetry. "
Who said they were? In any case, I didn't tell anyone what they **should** write about your submissions. I noted that they have a sense of what makes something beautifully written that published poets would find reprehensible and wholly uninformed.
And it is a fact that your writings are full of the linguistic and literary infelicities that I pointed out exist there.
"They know what they say very well." J
Did you mean to say "They know what they are talking about with regard to what makes something beautifully written"? If so, then you did not actually say this.
And I'll stick to my claim that if they profess that something is beautifully written if it displays the infelicities and mistakes and literary faults that your submissions do, then they DON"T know what they are talking about and show themselves as having very little sense of what something that IS beautifully written looks like.
BTW. this is a public forum. So comments on claims that people make here are not intrusions. You say they are because your ego will not let you admit that you are not only capable of writing poorly but that you often do, that you do not know all there is to know about writing well, and that negative things said about the way you write have an actual basis in fact.
So I am a dishonest and insignificant writer? I guess that means that other members of DUP who find my work to be worth noting are also dishonest, have no critical acumen, don't know anything about poetry, and are insignificant writers.
"They are not waiting for you to tell them what they should write about my poetry. "
Who said they were? In any case, I didn't tell anyone what they **should** write about your submissions. I noted that they have a sense of what makes something beautifully written that published poets would find reprehensible and wholly uninformed.
And it is a fact that your writings are full of the linguistic and literary infelicities that I pointed out exist there.
"They know what they say very well." J
Did you mean to say "They know what they are talking about with regard to what makes something beautifully written"? If so, then you did not actually say this.
And I'll stick to my claim that if they profess that something is beautifully written if it displays the infelicities and mistakes and literary faults that your submissions do, then they DON"T know what they are talking about and show themselves as having very little sense of what something that IS beautifully written looks like.
BTW. this is a public forum. So comments on claims that people make here are not intrusions. You say they are because your ego will not let you admit that you are not only capable of writing poorly but that you often do, that you do not know all there is to know about writing well, and that negative things said about the way you write have an actual basis in fact.
26th Jun 2021 3:32pm
One of these days
your ego might just soften up enough
to let you see
and then admit
that you are not god’s gift
to poetry
and that you really don’t possess
the mastery of English and its verse
that you so often claim lies in your hand,
and you'll concede,
despite your implications otherwise,
that you are actually not privy to
the sum of all there is to know
about the bardic art.
‘Till then
it is the driving force
that makes you falsely claim
in knee-jerk ways
that those
who dare to find the faults they do
within the way you write
are steeped up to their ears
in ignorance
of what it is that makes
for euphony
if not the sin of blasphemy
and are deserving of your insults
spite,
and petulant disdain,
your lashing out in anger
that's unjustified,
and your ad hominem attacks
against their character.
your ego might just soften up enough
to let you see
and then admit
that you are not god’s gift
to poetry
and that you really don’t possess
the mastery of English and its verse
that you so often claim lies in your hand,
and you'll concede,
despite your implications otherwise,
that you are actually not privy to
the sum of all there is to know
about the bardic art.
‘Till then
it is the driving force
that makes you falsely claim
in knee-jerk ways
that those
who dare to find the faults they do
within the way you write
are steeped up to their ears
in ignorance
of what it is that makes
for euphony
if not the sin of blasphemy
and are deserving of your insults
spite,
and petulant disdain,
your lashing out in anger
that's unjustified,
and your ad hominem attacks
against their character.
