Maternal Venus of Aloe

Maternal Venus of Aloe
 
    In the kitchen, his Mom asks, “What would you like for supper?”
     He replies, “We had pizza the last two nights. That sounds good to me.”
      She says, “Let’s mix it up with Lasagna.”
     “Are we on an Italian week? The menu here sounds straight out of a Mafioso movie.”
     “Maybe you could deliver pizza to help pay the bills.”
     He replies, “Then we could afford the movie channels. But you might not approve of my late-night viewing.”
     She opens a jar of Shea butter and uses her hand to spread it around her index finger with slow deliberate strokes. She asks her son, “On that subject, have you tried this stuff for your knobby?”
     “Mom, I know you mean well. But can we change the subject to something more edible related?”
     “As your mother, I feel it is my duty to take care of your whole body health. We can’t have you getting blisters down there.”
     “I would stop before that happens.”
     “Based on the squeaky spring noise I’d say your habit is more of a compulsion than one you can control.”
     “Please, give me a vote of confidence.”
     “I have complete faith in you except with this one thing which you obviously need help with given the prolonged racket at night.”
     He replies, “If you must let’s get this over with.”
     “Now back to the Shea. It is one of nature’s moisturizers. Not only is it good for those special moments it leaves your skin soft and smooth afterward. But hey I don’t have one so can’t say which is best. I want you to tell me which works well for you. Come on don’t be embarrassed. You have nothing to be ashamed about.”
     “Truthfully Mom, the butter is a bit thick for my purposes. Aloe outperforms them all. But coconut oil is a champ. But olive oil is made for marathon runs.”
     “When you speak of the runner’s stamina olive oil provides my ears perk up. Olive oil applied topically prevents skin cancer. This is because of its powerful antioxidants that reduce inflammation and reduce DNA damage. You’ll need that equipment as the source of recreation if not procreation.”
     “Long live him down below.”
     “Cheers my son. But there is another suggestion. Would you consider using avocado oil, extracted from the pulp, as part of your celebration of youth? It is a nourishing antioxidant that may add years of health and vitality down there.”
     “After that sales pitch how could I turn you down?”
     “While we’re at it you would do well to use almond oil. It worked wonders with reducing my stretch marks. If it did so well with my upper epidermis it could be a miracle for your aging cucumber.”
     “Mom I am only 18. I have a long way to go before my skin gets old.”
     “You could get premature wrinkles. It happens in the most surprising places. I can’t have my son looking aged before his lady love.”
     “I’m sure this hypothetical lady will understand and not obsess over minutia.”
     “Just one more of my home remedies to consider. Oat extract as an after-session skin soother. It does wonders with irritated skin. It even helps with allergies.”
     He replies, “You’ve covered the whole alphabet of moisturizers. Maybe you could focus on dinner. I am starving for some Mom action on the cooking front.”
     “Of course, my expertise isn’t limited to skincare.”
     “If I get a job to pull my own weight can we get a movie channel?”
      She replies, “You can count on it. And not the Disney channel but by the same token, not the Playboy channel.”
     “But R-rated movies are to be allowed.”
     “If they get too risqué I’ll use parental controls for age restrictions.”
      “Come on I am an adult.”
     “Then wait until I am sound asleep.”
     “That is a deal. I’ll put on headphones for the love scenes.”
     “Without the audio, the potato won’t be so hot.”
     He says, “What potato are you talking about?”
     She says, “The tuber between you and the TV.”