If Only

If Only

Of all my wishes that never came true,
The most painful is that I’ll never be loved by you,
Though when I look in the mirror
I am the splitting image and living proof,
A seed planted by you,
But at this point, what more can I do?
Do I need to beg you?
Maybe cry a little more?
Or wait another 30 years,
Maybe then we can open the door
When I’m old and gray,
When I’m beat down even more.
If I had one wish, I’d be that you were there,
That you weren’t so selfish,
That I didn’t feel such despair,
I wish I knew my sisters
And that this life I’m living wasn’t so unfair.
I wish I could reach out for help,
And that it didn’t all fall to my mother,
As sad as this is to admit:
I really wish we knew each other.
I wish not to feel such hate whenever I think of you,
And I wish that the sadness didn’t come next,
Wish I had thicker skin or could detach altogether,
As to not have to deal with this.
And I keep on wishing,
Though by now it’s apparent & clear...
You have no interest in even trying to be a parent...
No interest in being here.
I wish away my thirst for revenge,
Thoughts of hurting you the way I’ve been hurting,
Though I know it’s best to forgive, that’s not so simple,
Especially when you’re not the one living this.
Just to be able to call you for a shoulder,
To have you for an ear,
To one day be able to love properly,
Without the underlying fear.
How I wish not to associate men with pain,
To not secretly resent,
To be able to escape my mind...
And to be present.
I wish you’d have been there so that I could have felt safe & loved...
I wish I had heart enough to dust myself off and move on.