deepundergroundpoetry.com
Just Morning
Tousled hair, reflection's unkempt wisps;
January's sale, strewn underwear
disheveled. like Tracy Emin's bed.
Regretted turnstile, of your nights
lay alone with just your thoughts
and so much pleasure tinged with guilt.
Conceited stains, mark the grubby quilt.
Each lover they set sail
left you crying, unrepaired.
Tempus fugit as they fled
ignored the gift that you'd prepared.
Lays the empty tanning tube
the razor blunt, that shaved your pubes.
A gift that togetherness achieved.
Commitments split and night-birds sang
discords tune, left you unmanned.
January's sale, strewn underwear
disheveled. like Tracy Emin's bed.
Regretted turnstile, of your nights
lay alone with just your thoughts
and so much pleasure tinged with guilt.
Conceited stains, mark the grubby quilt.
Each lover they set sail
left you crying, unrepaired.
Tempus fugit as they fled
ignored the gift that you'd prepared.
Lays the empty tanning tube
the razor blunt, that shaved your pubes.
A gift that togetherness achieved.
Commitments split and night-birds sang
discords tune, left you unmanned.
Published 10th Jan 2021
| Edited 11th Jan 2021
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10th Jan 2021 6:17pm
Slip this is an excellent piece of poetry touching on human emotion and depth. Particularly of those who feel used and/or abused. Or, those living a life to please others and not themselves.
The ONLY things I saw to correct was in the first and final line:
Tousled hair, reflection[ ' ]s unkempt wisp's
January[ ' ]s sale
[R]eflection's should be possessive, as it refers to unkempt hair; wisps isn't possessive,; January[ ' ]s should be possessive. Also, you might want to place an either an emdash or semicolon after wisps, as January seems to start another sentence.
discord[ ' ]s tune, left you unmanned[ . ]
Being you've used end stops throughout the verse, then you should also use it to end the poem. If you want to leave it open-ended, you could ust an elipses or semicolon.
The ONLY things I saw to correct was in the first and final line:
Tousled hair, reflection[ ' ]s unkempt wisp's
January[ ' ]s sale
[R]eflection's should be possessive, as it refers to unkempt hair; wisps isn't possessive,; January[ ' ]s should be possessive. Also, you might want to place an either an emdash or semicolon after wisps, as January seems to start another sentence.
discord[ ' ]s tune, left you unmanned[ . ]
Being you've used end stops throughout the verse, then you should also use it to end the poem. If you want to leave it open-ended, you could ust an elipses or semicolon.
10th Jan 2021 7:48pm
thanks I was reading some Sexton to get inspiration for CCC and wrote this, not based on any poem but just off the cuff
11th Jan 2021 00:13am
