deepundergroundpoetry.com
5 Capitals
They start as transparent strands of smoke
barely noted they arose
wisp's that conjured some vain hope
the mountain tops beyond my scope
Resolution's grand mirage
to see them fall, all undischarged
my sights too high, the step too large
and always dealt a loosing card
But below, burned some vain hope
an increment, some isotope
that some small Deed, some act bespoke
to help myself and other folk
As I flounder, always smile
be summer, in the grey times vile
beaming through the masks percale
and sing so strong, just like Adele
Hopes tentacles, lie half deferred
and distance was the trendy word
but Kindness shrink, and soon to merge
Selflessness, not loud but purred
When the mind is treading water
and support's so hard to muster
be the soapy bubble floating upwards
blown from lips, Kind sentiments are uttered
Make a list and hold it close
not in capitals for me to boast
in lower case for my purpose
and Strength to reach those goals
barely noted they arose
wisp's that conjured some vain hope
the mountain tops beyond my scope
Resolution's grand mirage
to see them fall, all undischarged
my sights too high, the step too large
and always dealt a loosing card
But below, burned some vain hope
an increment, some isotope
that some small Deed, some act bespoke
to help myself and other folk
As I flounder, always smile
be summer, in the grey times vile
beaming through the masks percale
and sing so strong, just like Adele
Hopes tentacles, lie half deferred
and distance was the trendy word
but Kindness shrink, and soon to merge
Selflessness, not loud but purred
When the mind is treading water
and support's so hard to muster
be the soapy bubble floating upwards
blown from lips, Kind sentiments are uttered
Make a list and hold it close
not in capitals for me to boast
in lower case for my purpose
and Strength to reach those goals
Published 13th Dec 2020
| Edited 16th Dec 2020
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The author encourages honest critique.
14th Dec 2020 8:55pm
Wonderful write slip. It's tough to maintain and keep on those goals on target through the season, but if we make them small and realistic, a lot of things are attainable.
Best of luck in the comp.
Best of luck in the comp.
15th Dec 2020 8:55am
I take that compliment with heartfelt gratitude, my work rarely receives praise, regards Slip
16th Dec 2020 3:01pm
16th Dec 2020 7:08pm
I must apologise If I hurt your feelings and demeaned your wonderful support, in general and the CCC comp`s, but just to receive a comment from wallyroo a positive boost, some add the pieces to their R list and leave no comment I read lots of fawning comments for others. I envy those who write crowd pleasers
Probably in a trough at the moment Regards Slip
Probably in a trough at the moment Regards Slip
16th Dec 2020 3:00pm
Hi, Slip! Love this sentiment. I think it's very worthy of the season and definitely goals we should all strive toward. That being said, I do have a few recommendations to tighten it up and correct some errors.
[wisp's] that conjured some vain hope
( wisps * )
[Resolutions] grand mirage
( Resolution's* )
my sights [to] high, the step [to] large
( the step too* high/large )
an increment[ , ] some isotope—
( comma prior to some, recommend an em dash because you use 'some' again in the next line )
[ that ] some small Deed, some act bespoke
( recommending you remove 'that' )
As I flounder[ , ] always smile
( comma before always )
beaming through the masks percale
and sing so strong[ , ] just like Adele
( comma before just - also, LOVE the Adele simile! )
Hope[ ' ]s tentacles lie half deferred
( possessive )
and[ ; ]distance was the trendy word
( improper use of semi - if you want to connect these two independent clauses, then remove 'and' and place the semi after deferred )
but Kindness [ shrink ][ , ] [ and ] soon to merge
Selflessness not loud[ , ] but purred
( L1: shrunk* , comma, remove 'and' - L2: comma after loud )
The final two stanzas are EXCELLENT! Slip, slow down. . .you got this. Just slow down and double-proof your possessives and punctuation! Also repetitive and filler words.
A very Happy Christmas, and Best of luck in the comp!
[wisp's] that conjured some vain hope
( wisps * )
[Resolutions] grand mirage
( Resolution's* )
my sights [to] high, the step [to] large
( the step too* high/large )
an increment[ , ] some isotope—
( comma prior to some, recommend an em dash because you use 'some' again in the next line )
[ that ] some small Deed, some act bespoke
( recommending you remove 'that' )
As I flounder[ , ] always smile
( comma before always )
beaming through the masks percale
and sing so strong[ , ] just like Adele
( comma before just - also, LOVE the Adele simile! )
Hope[ ' ]s tentacles lie half deferred
( possessive )
and[ ; ]distance was the trendy word
( improper use of semi - if you want to connect these two independent clauses, then remove 'and' and place the semi after deferred )
but Kindness [ shrink ][ , ] [ and ] soon to merge
Selflessness not loud[ , ] but purred
( L1: shrunk* , comma, remove 'and' - L2: comma after loud )
The final two stanzas are EXCELLENT! Slip, slow down. . .you got this. Just slow down and double-proof your possessives and punctuation! Also repetitive and filler words.
A very Happy Christmas, and Best of luck in the comp!
