deepundergroundpoetry.com
Chronic Heart Failure and a Broken Heart
Been having a ghastly, hard time with my daughter
of late.
Of late being the past 28 months.
My daughter, Leah, died on July 4, 2018.
31 years old.
The thought that I'll never see or be with her again,
is still intolerable, and emotionally crippling.
Sorry, but I cannot believe this "soon we'll all be
together in heaven" silliness that people "take comfort" in
to counteract the potentially lethal grief that comes with
losing one's child. It's unlike any other grief known. I sometimes
wish i could just turn on that mindset, but it's not happening,
and likely never will. One rarely "learns" anything on such a softer, safer road
But so what? Worse things happen to good people every
day. Losing several kids. Losing kids to violence. Losing the
very young. Point is, if you have not "been there", any feeling about what another should be feeling, is rather selfishly invalid.
Damn, grief of loss, and the guilt underlying all the things I could
have, and should have done for and with her overwhelms.
Yes. standard wizzdumb, therapists, clergy, etc. tell us we shouldn't
let woulda/coulda/shoulda hold back our "healing" and "resolution".
Okay, so I'm a failure at that as well. Fuck that noise. "Easy for you to say."
Oh, dear Leah Marie....you are in my heart and in the oceans of tears that
keeps on coming. I love you wherever you have (or have not) gone, and
will until I turn into a carcass as well, Maybe longer.
Goodbye again, dear one,
Love,
your broken old dada.........
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
2020no8dankozakpoomsandbadpictures
of late.
Of late being the past 28 months.
My daughter, Leah, died on July 4, 2018.
31 years old.
The thought that I'll never see or be with her again,
is still intolerable, and emotionally crippling.
Sorry, but I cannot believe this "soon we'll all be
together in heaven" silliness that people "take comfort" in
to counteract the potentially lethal grief that comes with
losing one's child. It's unlike any other grief known. I sometimes
wish i could just turn on that mindset, but it's not happening,
and likely never will. One rarely "learns" anything on such a softer, safer road
But so what? Worse things happen to good people every
day. Losing several kids. Losing kids to violence. Losing the
very young. Point is, if you have not "been there", any feeling about what another should be feeling, is rather selfishly invalid.
Damn, grief of loss, and the guilt underlying all the things I could
have, and should have done for and with her overwhelms.
Yes. standard wizzdumb, therapists, clergy, etc. tell us we shouldn't
let woulda/coulda/shoulda hold back our "healing" and "resolution".
Okay, so I'm a failure at that as well. Fuck that noise. "Easy for you to say."
Oh, dear Leah Marie....you are in my heart and in the oceans of tears that
keeps on coming. I love you wherever you have (or have not) gone, and
will until I turn into a carcass as well, Maybe longer.
Goodbye again, dear one,
Love,
your broken old dada.........
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
2020no8dankozakpoomsandbadpictures
Published 8th Nov 2020
| Edited 9th Nov 2020
Author's Note
Leah Marie Kozak 1987-2018
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
8th Nov 2020 9:30pm
8th Nov 2020 9:54pm
Anonymous
9th Nov 2020 1:15am
Well, stop interpreting it that way! We all make mistakes. Different ones. As long as you learned from yours, then it is an accomplishment Leah would be proud of.
I've "learned" more than you can imagine since she died.
One is that confronting one re: the truth/untruth of their reaction to these things is useless and actually a destructive' act of ego imposition, that, even though, "everyone does it" does not enhance it's validity.
I KNEW Leah quite well enough to know that she'd scoff at the usual ''party line'' of sentiments of what one is "supposed'' to feel when confronting loss. She was very much her father's daughter in more ways than might'a been "good" for her. It just seems to me that telling someone "stop feeling" what they are feeling is a rather divisive approach in that it's a matter of ego imposition that We All need to learn to STOP doing. (Did chicken or egg come first?)
After having done the work to publish that book of mine, it very much surprised me that you would react as you have, but I have no control over what anyone thinks of me. My own family has not reacted to the book. It took awhile to figure out that flaccid sentimentality is what is expected, rather than raw honesty. I can't say that this is the first time i've tried to do the right thing in what people consider "the wrong way". But thus it is with Our Personal Judicial System(s). I can't say that I don't occasionally fall into that hole myself., But it's pretty much a "life's work" involving cultivation of an intense level of self awareness.
Yours in honest friendship,
dkzk
One is that confronting one re: the truth/untruth of their reaction to these things is useless and actually a destructive' act of ego imposition, that, even though, "everyone does it" does not enhance it's validity.
I KNEW Leah quite well enough to know that she'd scoff at the usual ''party line'' of sentiments of what one is "supposed'' to feel when confronting loss. She was very much her father's daughter in more ways than might'a been "good" for her. It just seems to me that telling someone "stop feeling" what they are feeling is a rather divisive approach in that it's a matter of ego imposition that We All need to learn to STOP doing. (Did chicken or egg come first?)
After having done the work to publish that book of mine, it very much surprised me that you would react as you have, but I have no control over what anyone thinks of me. My own family has not reacted to the book. It took awhile to figure out that flaccid sentimentality is what is expected, rather than raw honesty. I can't say that this is the first time i've tried to do the right thing in what people consider "the wrong way". But thus it is with Our Personal Judicial System(s). I can't say that I don't occasionally fall into that hole myself., But it's pretty much a "life's work" involving cultivation of an intense level of self awareness.
Yours in honest friendship,
dkzk
Anonymous
9th Nov 2020 12:28pm
Dan, I react the way I do because that's who I am. I see the world differently than most people you know. I would like for you to take comfort in knowing that Leah is waiting for you after this life rather than you approaching the Exit uncomfortably straddling the fence.
Yes, we create a lot of illusions about what is going on in these lives of ours to justify our actions and make us feel safer in the face of unknowing.
49 people will tell you we cease to exist upon death with various reasons to back up their case. 49 people will tell you that our consciousness survives likewise. 2 out of 100 people will tell you that the biggest illusion of all is that we are actually "here" to begin with.
In my own words, you're just looking through a Viewmaster - after you've reached the final slide and put the darn thing down, you'll realize you were somewhere else the entire time with Leah sitting right next to you. You simply can't see her with the Viewmaster over your eyes.
Sounds Matrixy, yes. But sometimes the answers to Life's greatest mysteries are right in front of us day in, day out. You're not the Nikon camera you take photos and videos with. It's an assumption that the human body is.
It's not something I will spend my time debating at great length on your poetry because it's neither the place, nor is there anything wrong with how you are grieving. We just want to see you happier. :)
Yes, we create a lot of illusions about what is going on in these lives of ours to justify our actions and make us feel safer in the face of unknowing.
49 people will tell you we cease to exist upon death with various reasons to back up their case. 49 people will tell you that our consciousness survives likewise. 2 out of 100 people will tell you that the biggest illusion of all is that we are actually "here" to begin with.
In my own words, you're just looking through a Viewmaster - after you've reached the final slide and put the darn thing down, you'll realize you were somewhere else the entire time with Leah sitting right next to you. You simply can't see her with the Viewmaster over your eyes.
Sounds Matrixy, yes. But sometimes the answers to Life's greatest mysteries are right in front of us day in, day out. You're not the Nikon camera you take photos and videos with. It's an assumption that the human body is.
It's not something I will spend my time debating at great length on your poetry because it's neither the place, nor is there anything wrong with how you are grieving. We just want to see you happier. :)
Look.....not a one of us has any business shooting holes in someone else's "beliefs" or "non-beliefs" may be.. There's Nothing here to take issue with. Even if we were long-time, life-long friends, I'd have no business telling you to just stop thinking as you do, so you'll Be my conception of happiness.
I worked in the psychiatric business for 25 years, & I can tell you unequivically that telling people how they "should" think to make the "devils go away", just does not work. In fact it sets up more resistances and blocks that just keep both helper and helpee Stuck in a very awkward place. And besides, I was in no way asking for help with my thinking or help with anything. Our minds are full of blocks to "progerss" each unique in their creation, with no particular formula to get around them. Unfortunately, case loads, insurance, monetary concerns have made
quick-fix of symptoms via chemicals, and that doesn't work most of the time.
All i'm saying is that telling people what to think about anything is worthless and counterproductive. I'll bet any grief counselor, or psychiatric grief expert will agree, and (every Evangelical Christian will disagree), but as we grievers find that understanding is just difficult at best, until you've been in the "child death" situation, and the best we grievers can do is, "thank you. I appreciate the sentiment". None of this can ever "work" fl;awlessly'
love you, Johnny !
dkzk
I worked in the psychiatric business for 25 years, & I can tell you unequivically that telling people how they "should" think to make the "devils go away", just does not work. In fact it sets up more resistances and blocks that just keep both helper and helpee Stuck in a very awkward place. And besides, I was in no way asking for help with my thinking or help with anything. Our minds are full of blocks to "progerss" each unique in their creation, with no particular formula to get around them. Unfortunately, case loads, insurance, monetary concerns have made
quick-fix of symptoms via chemicals, and that doesn't work most of the time.
All i'm saying is that telling people what to think about anything is worthless and counterproductive. I'll bet any grief counselor, or psychiatric grief expert will agree, and (every Evangelical Christian will disagree), but as we grievers find that understanding is just difficult at best, until you've been in the "child death" situation, and the best we grievers can do is, "thank you. I appreciate the sentiment". None of this can ever "work" fl;awlessly'
love you, Johnny !
dkzk
Anonymous
9th Nov 2020 3:25pm
I know what you mean. As long as you understand I'm not trying to convince you to do anything, we're square. It's more important to me to say, "Here's Door Number #3 if what is behind #1 and #2 gives you little peace of mind." :)
9th Nov 2020 4:19pm
9th Nov 2020 1:38am
Just because you don't believe a thing doesn't necessarily make it untrue. . .
9th Nov 2020 8:04am
And none of us can be the ultimate arbiters of what belief or non-belief is "real'ly true".
That's where the ParadoX Trap eats our lunch.
Thank you for contributing.
True love and much respect.
dkzk
That's where the ParadoX Trap eats our lunch.
Thank you for contributing.
True love and much respect.
dkzk
9th Nov 2020 9:44pm
I got lucky when my younger brother took his own life back 2001...I was reading a book by the Vietnamese Zen Teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh...Zen is not into the whole reincarnation or rebirth of consciousness stuff...he recommended scattering the ashes of dead loved ones in your garden...and in my brother's case, I still have some and place a pinch in my favorite pot-plants on his B'day...yeah, I can still talk to him that way...anyways, Thich's advice helped me. Take care Daniel.
🙏 Harry
🙏 Harry
9th Nov 2020 10:20pm
I'm wit you, Harry. Zen way has no-thing to do with afterlife
fantasies.
We just be gone
to wherever. IMHO
fantasies.
We just be gone
to wherever. IMHO
9th Nov 2020 11:23pm
As an Existential Nihilist Daniel, I know that we are all just making the whole thing up as we go. Take care buddy.
10th Nov 2020 9:19am
