for shyann

everyday is
exactly the same

bright sun shining
but i beg for the rain

the words to say
cannot come to mind

so i will settle
for the few i can find

the sanity may come
another day

untill then i give in
to this waisting away

the cigarettes smoke
brings thoughts to my head

are you proud of what u made ma?
did u want a boy instead...

as i take another drag
the same feeling rings true

are you happy with ur work
"exhales slowly"
im jus a little more like you...

the marks upon my arms
tell a story

where are you?

what am i???

are you there?

dont ignore me!

at least...at first...
this is what they said...

as visions of peace
trickled slowly thru my head

and pooled at my feet,
souch a beautiful red...
but they never understood...

the pain is the only reason
why im not dead

so withought thought or reason
as to what they had made

they bound and gagd me...
then took away my blade...

so ill take what they give me..
.and a little more as well...

as i sit all alone
in my personal hell

and bear to smile,
tender smile...
shes all i call mine

the comfort of faking
some sort of happines sign

and the realisation...
my sick fantisies
almost came true

bursting forth thru my constructed
walls so brand new

yet i am still here...
happy as ever...
smile on my face
as she dances to her tune
with her sickening grace

"i wanna help you kid,
but its not my fault,
you drive me to be mean,
thats why we cant talk
if u were just better
things would be ok
at least ur sisters arent like you...
that will do...
for now anyway"

if she could only see that
if i could take it back

and try once again
with different plans of attack

i wouldnt be like this...
i wouldnt be me

i would try to be something
that she would rather see

its so hard to please her...
and tend to her mental health

and be there for her
when i cant please myself

but does she deserve it?
my time?
my tries?

when all she has given
is bullshuit and lies

and false promises
that never come true...

and a confused and hurt child
that dosent know what to do...

so i do what i can
to try and stay alive

ill do what i must
if but just to survive...

and maybe one day...
her eyes will open wide enough to see

that all she ever needed...
could have been found in me...