deepundergroundpoetry.com
Fortuitous
For what is the purpose;
stress is pointless
whatever will be, will be
in the end
Happiness is only possible
if you make the right choices;
anyone that tries to tell
you different, is a moron
and should be sterilized
When you know something
isn’t quite right, when things aren’t
adding up,
you take matters
into your own hands;
only to find out you were right—
but hoped you weren’t ...
Today I am fortuitous—
I was given a chance to be happy;
because I asked,
and went with my inner voice
Never doubt your intuition...
Published 4th Sep 2020
| Edited 26th Mar 2024
Author's Note
❤️ Thoughtfully edited by Ahavati
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 2
comments 12
reads 411
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
4th Sep 2020 6:56pm
Zazzles, I absolute love the content of this; and it's so true as well. Our intuition is meant to guide and protect us, and will if we heed its voice.
In the spirit of honest critique, I would suggest the following to tighten her up:
For what is the purpose; ( removed And & added a semi to connect )
stress is pointless—( a long dash would be perfect here to demonstrate there's more )
whatever will be, will be ( excellent enjambment! )
in the end
happiness is only possible
if you make the right choices; ( added a semi )
anyone that tries to tell ( removed 'and' because you use it in the last line )
you different, is a moron
and should be sterilized ( haha! While some people should not be allowed to breed, I try to remember they're still evolving too! )
when you know something/( cutting here provides a better enjambment )
isn’t quite right, when things aren’t adding up. . .
and you take matters/
into your own hands ( removed 'must' )
only to find out you were right—
but hoped you weren’t ...
today I am fortuitous—
i was given a chance to be happy;
because I asked—
and went with my inner voice ( replaced I with and )
Never doubt your intuition...
Few things: watch your repetition of filler words and enjambments. A good rule of thumb on an enjambment is to ask yourself if the line can stand on it's own, and if the following line adds to it, or even surprises the reader by completely altering the meaning even! A little punctuation never hurt anyone, and can add so much emphasis to the poem itself. Good punctuation created suspense, allows the reader to breathe between thoughts, or to pause before moving forward, etc.
Your spelling and grammar are solid! Again, really enjoyed the offering!
In the spirit of honest critique, I would suggest the following to tighten her up:
For what is the purpose; ( removed And & added a semi to connect )
stress is pointless—( a long dash would be perfect here to demonstrate there's more )
whatever will be, will be ( excellent enjambment! )
in the end
happiness is only possible
if you make the right choices; ( added a semi )
anyone that tries to tell ( removed 'and' because you use it in the last line )
you different, is a moron
and should be sterilized ( haha! While some people should not be allowed to breed, I try to remember they're still evolving too! )
when you know something/( cutting here provides a better enjambment )
isn’t quite right, when things aren’t adding up. . .
and you take matters/
into your own hands ( removed 'must' )
only to find out you were right—
but hoped you weren’t ...
today I am fortuitous—
i was given a chance to be happy;
because I asked—
and went with my inner voice ( replaced I with and )
Never doubt your intuition...
Few things: watch your repetition of filler words and enjambments. A good rule of thumb on an enjambment is to ask yourself if the line can stand on it's own, and if the following line adds to it, or even surprises the reader by completely altering the meaning even! A little punctuation never hurt anyone, and can add so much emphasis to the poem itself. Good punctuation created suspense, allows the reader to breathe between thoughts, or to pause before moving forward, etc.
Your spelling and grammar are solid! Again, really enjoyed the offering!
You’re the best mama!
Perhaps can u write it out the way you suggested in full? Like before when you helped ?
Thanks mama and of course when u have the time
Love
Jackie ❤️
Perhaps can u write it out the way you suggested in full? Like before when you helped ?
Thanks mama and of course when u have the time
Love
Jackie ❤️
4th Sep 2020 9:07pm
For what is the purpose;
stress is pointless—
whatever will be, will be
in the end
Happiness is only possible
if you make the right choices;
anyone that tries to tell
you different, is a moron
and should be sterilized
When you know something
isn’t quite right, when things aren’t adding up...
and you take matters
into your own hands
only to find out you were right—
but hoped you weren’t ...
Today I am fortuitous—
I was given a chance to be happy;
because I asked,
and went with my inner voice
Never doubt your intuition...
There ya go!
stress is pointless—
whatever will be, will be
in the end
Happiness is only possible
if you make the right choices;
anyone that tries to tell
you different, is a moron
and should be sterilized
When you know something
isn’t quite right, when things aren’t adding up...
and you take matters
into your own hands
only to find out you were right—
but hoped you weren’t ...
Today I am fortuitous—
I was given a chance to be happy;
because I asked,
and went with my inner voice
Never doubt your intuition...
There ya go!
4th Sep 2020 10:15pm
4th Sep 2020 10:16pm
5th Sep 2020 5:16am
6th Sep 2020 11:31pm
I love this Jackie...if only all voices spoke of love...Socrates had his inner daemon...the Buddha had Mara...my little voice is called Jimmy...a troublemaker at times lol. Bravo!
Love and Peace...Harry
Love and Peace...Harry
9th Sep 2020 11:49pm
You always make me feel special Harry
Thanks for the post and the list my dear friend ❤️
Love 🤗
Jackie xxx
Thanks for the post and the list my dear friend ❤️
Love 🤗
Jackie xxx
9th Sep 2020 11:54pm
7th Sep 2020 4:48am
Anonymous
- Edited 7th Jan 2022 4:45am
16th Oct 2020 11:36pm
<< post removed >>
