Reliving the past, anxious in the present, winging it for the future

Long ago, I created an account called “wizkatfood” along with my current account. I pretended I was two different people when in fact it was just me.
 
I still find it hilarious to this day that I decided to do such a thing, even though it makes absolutely no sense lol.
 
When I created “wizkatfood” I was in a much worse state that I am in now. If you read my latest poem, you probs wouldn’t believe me lol—but that’s not the point.
 
I was at the height of my mental health crisis and I definitely needed to clock out of that account. So, I did. I deleted it.
 
But why I pretended to be a completely different person after that is a reason I think everyone can relate to. I wanted to turn back time and start off fresh, like I was someone new.
 
I think the desire to regret one’s past and drown in thoughts of it isn’t uncommon. I definitely still live in the past and still reminisce in a nostalgic childhood I wish I had. The problem comes when you let your past define you.
 
This is a horrible flaw of mine: pretending that I haven’t gone anywhere in life, or learned anything, when I really have.
 
I think for someone who thought about dying, I’m in a way better place than before ohmy_engrish.
 
Because of this fatal flaw, I suck at meeting new people, I’m not very good at loving myself, I’m not good at being grateful for what I have now, I may *cough* tend to over-share online...etc...
 
Being stuck in the past is great for lyric-writing but, you cannot apply it in real life. It’s hella bad for real-life functioning.
 
Plus having social anxiety exacerbates my insecurities, making me question my actions from even 5 or 10 years ago.
 
I just can’t accept where I am in life now, and that’s very toxic in my opinion.
 
Often, I feel like even if most humans are nice people who try to be understanding, there are times we want to protect ourselves from being proven wrong (by others) because it’s already so easy to be too hard on ourselves.
 
We don’t need that extra criticism to feel worse, you know? I mean, I feel this way, but it’s great if you don’t.
 
So, what’s the opposite of being self-absorbed. Well, not only thinking about yourself, I guess.
 
I find it helps to think about friends, family, sunny days, the miraculous ability to share my poems around the world and...a potential “higher” purpose in life.
 
Now, many people are divided on whether it’s necessary to have a purpose in life. Also many tend to confuse “purpose” with “passion”.
 
I personally believe, one’s “life purpose” and “life passion” can be the same thing, though it’s especially rare and “extraordinary” to have these overlap.  
 
The average person is living probably not cause they’re pursuing their passion. An example of this is my mom, who wanted to become a chef, but back then had no dollars for cooking school, so she became an office worker in a cubicle. She likes her job because her purpose, she says, is to support our family, but obviously, it’s not her passion.
 
So, what is, one’s purpose? What makes it so important? And, is it overrated?
 
From a person who has again, thought about dying, I personally believe that it isn’t totally overrated. I think it’s not really important what you do, more than how and why you do it.
 
I mean, look at vigilantes in a fictional story. That’s like, noticeably what makes them interesting, and somewhat relatable.
 
Google quotes say, if you have a strong enough “why”, then you can withstand anything else that comes.
 
But if this isn’t a solution for you, honestly I understand. It’s extremely hard to focus on a “one-true purpose” life. If anything, life could be just about exploring in many different directions, not just one. Plus each direction may not have a specific purpose, and that’s okay.
 
If you wanna live in the present moment, then just do it love.
 
I personally, don’t have a “one true purpose” kinda life, (though I’m still kinda searching???). Anyways, basically I’m just trying to graduate university at this point lol.
 
So, if I was going to say anything to wizkatfood right now, I’d tell her this:
 
You may not have your one true purpose to live right now,
You may have tons of questions right now,
You may regret so many damn things right now,
But none of that matters if you’re living right now.
 
The sun is shining, the wind is blowing, there’s no war or famine or natural disaster in your house right now. (But there may be a pandemic later.) So, honestly, you are living a pretty gucci life as of right now.
 
There are so many simple lil things to be grateful for, and you will even write some lyrics about it.  
 
As long as you live, you could do whatever the fuck you want lol.
 
In this future,
You’ll be alright.
 
It’s not fantastic, it’s not a hell-hole either...just okay.
 
Okay, is okay...got it?  
 
As long as you live.
 
♡ Love you lots,
See you in the next life~