Searching for Self

The world's still screaming
And the nights and days they roll  
Just like a wave
Slowly eroding you
Until you give way  
I'm searching for something to hold
Something that gives meaning
Two little girls call me dad
And I'm ashamed
Of all the chances I've had
Yet missed or neglected  
Let me live up to that name
Or title
And God I know they deserve so much better than me
The wayward son who forgets his Bible
I'm lost in space
In a coma  
shipwrecked at sea
Living in someone else's world
Apparently.
I tried to cope with just being another
Empty face in the crowd
I set off to accomplish great things. Really.
But pain and guilt and depth and impatience
Stood me right by the door, so I could be
Jealous of outside,
Wanting more, but afraid to say it aloud  
Instead, I killed the guilt.
I hid the doubt.
I did things I'll never speak about.
But then I guess,
One wound heals  
While the others  
Become diseased, and infect.
Its gets so dark some times that memory starts to slip away
And the ones I love are in this light that hides itself
You've now become an engine of your own intellect.
A propeller into the winds of your own psychosis
I can't seem to find the step
And then I remind myself
The solution lies within the prognosis.
Diagnosed: egotistical. Lives in a fantasy.  
Emotional.
Full of disrespect.
Ill never get to see the space in time where daylight breaks
the dark into just the gray between black and light
Have you already forgotten? You know I'm right.
The same depth that keeps me introspective  
The same desire to be the ever failing original
Keeps me captive, held like Odysseus
By the seducing captor  
Being me.
Accept, and now,I wonder?
Is it too late to interject,
I'm willing to change.