deepundergroundpoetry.com
Mornings
Listen to the whispers of trees
And gentle peeping of the sunrise
Through dancing curtains
Reaching our pillows.
I wake up
To the softness of your breath
Tickling my ear
Tickling my heart
Wiping sand off your eyes,
Cherishing the wrinkle of your nose
You smile at me
In the good of morning
And I know just who you are
When suddenly the room
Any room at all
Becomes home.
And gentle peeping of the sunrise
Through dancing curtains
Reaching our pillows.
I wake up
To the softness of your breath
Tickling my ear
Tickling my heart
Wiping sand off your eyes,
Cherishing the wrinkle of your nose
You smile at me
In the good of morning
And I know just who you are
When suddenly the room
Any room at all
Becomes home.
Published 29th Feb 2020
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
29th Feb 2020 10:17am
This is another lovely poem, I can really feel the essence here.
In the spirit of honest critique, there are words that are both repetitive and extraneous that you could lose. In S1 you use 'the' four times in L1-2. I have bracketed those I feel you could remove without losing any meaning. I also believe you can lose the first 'our' in L3.
Listen to the whispers of [the] trees
And [the] gentle peeping of the sunrise
Through [our] dancing curtains
Reaching our pillows.
[ . . . ]
Wiping implies 'off the'; therefore, I believe you could lose that to tighten it up a bit.
Wiping [ off the] sand from your eyes,
Cherishing the wrinkle of your nose
You smile at me
In the good of morning
That final stanza is so moving. Well done.
In the spirit of honest critique, there are words that are both repetitive and extraneous that you could lose. In S1 you use 'the' four times in L1-2. I have bracketed those I feel you could remove without losing any meaning. I also believe you can lose the first 'our' in L3.
Listen to the whispers of [the] trees
And [the] gentle peeping of the sunrise
Through [our] dancing curtains
Reaching our pillows.
[ . . . ]
Wiping implies 'off the'; therefore, I believe you could lose that to tighten it up a bit.
Wiping [ off the] sand from your eyes,
Cherishing the wrinkle of your nose
You smile at me
In the good of morning
That final stanza is so moving. Well done.
29th Feb 2020 12:52pm
Many thanks Ahavati,
Thanks for the critique! It's a bad habit of mine not giving writes a second look after it's been written. And having you read it means a whole lot to me I appreciate it.
Much love.
Thanks for the critique! It's a bad habit of mine not giving writes a second look after it's been written. And having you read it means a whole lot to me I appreciate it.
Much love.
29th Feb 2020 12:54pm
