deepundergroundpoetry.com
Clouds
A recipie of wet and grey
No chink of blue
the daisies cuddled close
the apiarist, without his visored hat
Each step we take, is weary trod
like spirits smothered in fog
It seeps, that overbearing lethargy
the barometer of daily life
To cope through rose tinted spectacles
that precipitation soon will go
puddles, see a new reflected you--
rainbows, arc spring from the gloom
A blackbird pecking at the lawn
see his quarry wriggle, squirm
he knows, with rain his lunch will come
that pitter- patter will fill the platter
Trust that something will emerge
as we face the barren page;
hoping some morsel arise--
silver linings, composed of words
No chink of blue
the daisies cuddled close
the apiarist, without his visored hat
Each step we take, is weary trod
like spirits smothered in fog
It seeps, that overbearing lethargy
the barometer of daily life
To cope through rose tinted spectacles
that precipitation soon will go
puddles, see a new reflected you--
rainbows, arc spring from the gloom
A blackbird pecking at the lawn
see his quarry wriggle, squirm
he knows, with rain his lunch will come
that pitter- patter will fill the platter
Trust that something will emerge
as we face the barren page;
hoping some morsel arise--
silver linings, composed of words
Published 12th Feb 2020
| Edited 13th Feb 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
13th Feb 2020 12:55pm
Slip, I really like this direction your poetry is taking. You are truly becoming honed in the art! A reminder to double-check your spelling, etc.
Clouds
A recipie of wet and grey [ recipe* ]
no chink of blue
the daisies cuddled close
the apiarist, [not don his] visored hat
[N]o chink of blue is fabulous!
I think without his visored hat would read much better. "[N]ot don his reads a bit awkward.
Each step we take, is weary trod
like spirits smothered in [the] fog
[ I ]t seeps, that overbearing lethergy [ lethargy* ]
the barometer of daily life
Excellent stanza. I would remove 'the' in L2 and correct the spelling in L3. I would also capitalize 'It' in L3, as it begins a new sentence. Or, you could semicolon L2 to connect it.
To cope through rose tinted spectacles
that precipitation soon will go
puddles, see a new reflected you—
rainbows arc, spring from the gloom
Lovely imagery. L3 would be the perfect place for an em dash!
A blackbird pecking at the lawn
see his quarry wriggle, squirm
he knows, with rain his lunch will come
that pitter- patter will fill the platter
Excellent imagery!
Know that something will emerge
as we face the barren page
[W]e dig so deep[ , ] [and] hope [that] from the depth
the drought allayed, some morsel come
silver linings composed, not words hum drum
This reads a bit too awkward, slip. I think one reason is that you use the word 'drought' that seems to contradict a storm. The ending should pound it home, and this just misses the mark for me. Let's try to rework a bit and see if we can tighten it up.
Know that something will emerge
as we face the barren page
we dig so deep and hope that from the depth
the drought allayed, some morsel come
silver linings composed, not words hum drum
How about using 'Trust' to open up?
Trust something will emerge
as we face the barren page;
hoping some morsel arise—
silver linings, composed of words
It's a solid poem, slip. Publish-worthy with a few changes, in my opinion. Well done!
Clouds
A recipie of wet and grey [ recipe* ]
no chink of blue
the daisies cuddled close
the apiarist, [not don his] visored hat
[N]o chink of blue is fabulous!
I think without his visored hat would read much better. "[N]ot don his reads a bit awkward.
Each step we take, is weary trod
like spirits smothered in [the] fog
[ I ]t seeps, that overbearing lethergy [ lethargy* ]
the barometer of daily life
Excellent stanza. I would remove 'the' in L2 and correct the spelling in L3. I would also capitalize 'It' in L3, as it begins a new sentence. Or, you could semicolon L2 to connect it.
To cope through rose tinted spectacles
that precipitation soon will go
puddles, see a new reflected you—
rainbows arc, spring from the gloom
Lovely imagery. L3 would be the perfect place for an em dash!
A blackbird pecking at the lawn
see his quarry wriggle, squirm
he knows, with rain his lunch will come
that pitter- patter will fill the platter
Excellent imagery!
Know that something will emerge
as we face the barren page
[W]e dig so deep[ , ] [and] hope [that] from the depth
the drought allayed, some morsel come
silver linings composed, not words hum drum
This reads a bit too awkward, slip. I think one reason is that you use the word 'drought' that seems to contradict a storm. The ending should pound it home, and this just misses the mark for me. Let's try to rework a bit and see if we can tighten it up.
Know that something will emerge
as we face the barren page
we dig so deep and hope that from the depth
the drought allayed, some morsel come
silver linings composed, not words hum drum
How about using 'Trust' to open up?
Trust something will emerge
as we face the barren page;
hoping some morsel arise—
silver linings, composed of words
It's a solid poem, slip. Publish-worthy with a few changes, in my opinion. Well done!
13th Feb 2020 7:21pm
Thank you so much, so grateful for your support and encouragement. Its priceless for someone who has found such a creative outlet so late and try to curb my spontaneity and edit before I post
Anonymous
13th Feb 2020 1:11pm
I agree with Ahavati and her suggestions. She's comprehensive because she cares.
Slip, it is great to see you growing into these shoes and hittiing your stride.
Slip, it is great to see you growing into these shoes and hittiing your stride.
