Shut Up

"I'll just shut up"
My typical go to when I feel I've said to much.

"Why do you do that?"

Do I really have to answer that?

"Because maybe its hard for me to tell you so much and it not be returned. Maybe I'm tired of being an option."

There it goes again my big mouth saying what should have gone unspoken.

I'm choking on those words, watching the hurt replace his smile.

"You're not a fucking option, you know me better then anyone, you should know that...I'm just...broken…"

His eyes trail off with his proclamation and I realize I'm holding my breath.

Gasp….

"I just don't want to damage you with my damage, You know that I love you, you know you mean a lot to me, otherwise I wouldn't always have ended up back here..you fucking know this damnit!!!"

His eyes plead with me to see it…. To believe it… to reassure him that I know...Of course I know, but maybe I need to hear it….

"I'm healing to you know? But still I tell you every chance that I get without staggering or hesitations how I feel about you… Maybe I just need to hear you say it… to be reminded that I'm not imagining shit. Maybe thats part of the damage I'm dealing with, the need for reassurance… I've always been a number, yet never one."

Tears fall to my cheeks... in this moment I am vulnerable. Never been weak but in this moment my knees are. They shake in wait… am I really afraid of what he might say?

"Storm you know I love you, you've always been a good friend to me and that to me means more than a title or anything."

Is it bad that this angered me?

"If you still believe that after all that we've shared that I am nothing more than "A good friend" than you sir are delusional!!!"

The tone of this laced with sourness and sarcasm shocked even me, and thats saying a lot, for all practical purposes I am quite a bitch.

"No Storm thats not what I meant!"
"Thats what you said"
"I know what I said, I'm telling you that I have to fix me, Its me, I'm not ready!"

I still in this moment think its me, another one of those sneaky reminders that I'm still mending and giving in the same sense.

"What the hell is so wrong with me that you men think its okay to use me until you find someone better? What the fuck did I do wrong by you?"

My mind was made up, he was feeding me those same bullshit lines I'd heard before.

"God fucking damnit Storm its not you… there is nothing fucking wrong with you, for fucks sake your perfect for me, its me I don't want to bring my hell to your life."

Idiot, I'm obviously still crying.

"You fucking dumbass what do you not get about, I love you, I'm allready in this, I'm allready in your life and I want to be there, no matter the struggle. I fucking love you Smurf!!!"

Hes crying now, and I am stunned… reality hits me this man really cares.

"I love you too Storm, I always have, but you allready knew that! You always have."

"No I didn't, because you never told me."

Oh shit….way to put my foot in my mouth…
This is why some things are better left unspoken.

He laughs
"You see thats how this whole thing got started, shit went unspoken and one of us or both of us told ourselves to shut up."

Damn this man and being right again.

I laugh

"Shut up!"