deepundergroundpoetry.com
November Rain, The Seasons
Rain, a steady patter
A source of refreshment
The air, cool but comforting
The sounds outside, lulling, calming
The scent, mild with a hint of soil
Autumn
A source of refreshment
The air, cool but comforting
The sounds outside, lulling, calming
The scent, mild with a hint of soil
Autumn
Published 13th Nov 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 7
reads 467
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
13th Nov 2019 11:19pm
o O the seasons sounds like a series to me! I loved the imagery this evoked in such a short vignette!
Rain, a steady patter— <- an em dash would work great here
A source of refreshment
The air, cool but comforting:
[The] sounds <--> outside— lulling, calming <- I suggest a syntax revision on this one -
[The] scent— mild with a hint of soil
If taken into account, it would read as such:
Rain, a steady patter—
A source of refreshment
The air, cool but comforting:
Outside sounds— lulling, calming
Scent— mild with a hint of soil
I felt the repetition of determiners was taking from the imagery. This is so packed with delicious assonance: that o is to die for and the i is soothing. The consonance of the s & t throughout the entire verse is just musical. You packed a punch here in this one both imagery and sound wise. Rolls off the tongue when read aloud.
Beautifully done.
Rain, a steady patter— <- an em dash would work great here
A source of refreshment
The air, cool but comforting:
[The] sounds <--> outside— lulling, calming <- I suggest a syntax revision on this one -
[The] scent— mild with a hint of soil
If taken into account, it would read as such:
Rain, a steady patter—
A source of refreshment
The air, cool but comforting:
Outside sounds— lulling, calming
Scent— mild with a hint of soil
I felt the repetition of determiners was taking from the imagery. This is so packed with delicious assonance: that o is to die for and the i is soothing. The consonance of the s & t throughout the entire verse is just musical. You packed a punch here in this one both imagery and sound wise. Rolls off the tongue when read aloud.
Beautifully done.
14th Nov 2019 10:29pm
14th Nov 2019 00:28am
14th Nov 2019 10:30pm
Anonymous
14th Nov 2019 11:53pm
I agree with Ahavati, but that shouldn't come as a surprise LOL We think on the same wavelengths.
I was particularly taken with the L consonance in Lines 3 thru 5.
I was particularly taken with the L consonance in Lines 3 thru 5.
15th Nov 2019 7:54pm
Thanks, JohnnyBlaze. The L consonance happened totally without me noticing. I was paying attention to the natural rhythm of the syllables - I often try to.
15th Nov 2019 5:33am
