deepundergroundpoetry.com
A letter to my lover.
Dearest, V.
We've both lived to see another day.
When it'll stop..
I just don't know.
Perhaps, it will be a brighter day, darling.
Yesterday, I had a bad case of the "mean reds” I'm afraid.
It's a slippery slope into the emptiness, my dear.
I pull my trench coat tighter over my shoulders..
..hurry down the alleyway and turn a sharp corner.
A puddle splashes behind me.
Is there a man lurking in the shadows?
The overhead sign for the HILTON hotel flashes a bright neon red.
Clouds loom in the distance.
A violent flash of lightening.
Thick, fat dollops begin to wet my face.
I decide to check into a suite for the evening.
I stand in the lobby chatting pleasantries with the concierge.
"We'll send the bellhop to bring your luggage up, if necessary, ma'am."
"Thank you. That won't be necessary."
"Would you be requiring anything else ma'am?"
"Is the kitchen still open? I'd love to have a bottle of chilled wine sent up."
"Room service is 24 hours ma'am. The beverage menu is on the reading desk in your room."
"Thank you, darling, you've been ever so helpful."
I head upstairs in the elevator.
I have arrived.
The room is cold.
Pitch black.
The whir of the heater hums softy.
The floor is an shiny, ink marble tiling.
My heels click beneath me.
I switch on the light.
There is a pretty bouquet of bright orange amaryllis..
that sits elegantly on the glass mantel.
The bed itself has a swan shaped towel arrangement..
and a mint.
Heavy, plush purple curtains stuffed into gold roped hold-backs..
line the large windows.
The rain gently throbs against it's panes.
The room is completely still.
..except for the sound of my breathing.
I walk into the bathroom.
The crystal, clear orbs decorate the vanity.
The bulbs omit a soft flicker once turned on.
I rotate the knobs right and then left..
fiddling with the water pressure.
I empty the contents of the lavender bubble bath into the tub.
The scent of floral fill my nostrils..
..and I sigh, calmly.
It feels soothing in here.
..like a small haven of temporary reprieve..
from the trials of tomorrow.
The silver stained gillespie contains a basket of potpourri in the corner.
I strip off my clothing piece by piece.
Gently..
.. I fold my lace undergarments and dress on top of the towel rack.
I stare at my reflection completely naked in the mirror.
I am beautiful..
..or so they say.
I dip my rose colored polished toe over the ledge..
and swirl..
..the bubbles around with my foot.
There is a knock on the door..
..disturbing me from my thoughts.
Hastily..
I tie on the thick, cotton rob hanging from the wooden hanger in the hall closet..
..around my waist.
The door swings open and there he stands before me.
The waiter.
He puts the wine in a polished, silver bucket by the television stand.
I take a couple purple notes from my wallet..
..and tip him handsomely.
His smile is wide..
..exposing his large two gaped front teeth.
His eyes are a hazelnut brown.
They seem genuine..enough.
He thanks me and lingers for a moment..
..before wheeling his cart away.
Does he wonder why I'm spending the night drinking alone?
Would he like to join me?
I turn the latch until it clicks shut.
Once again, the only sound..
..is my steadfast breathing.
In and out.
The quiet becomes unnerving.
I turn on Spotify.
Cat Stevens whispers:
"I listen to the wind..to the wind of my soul.."
I carry the wine back into the bathroom.
The words trail behind me.
"Will I end up where I think..only God really knows."
I shrug off my robe.
I forgo the glasses by the sink and sip from bottle head.
I pour the ice directly into the bath.
The bucket clangs on the hard floor.
The loud, thunderous sound sets off an eerie echo.
The ice pellets slosh to the bottom of the tub..
..sending trickles of hot steam into the air.
Everything is perfect.
In this fragment of time.
I switch over to the playlist I want to hear.
Led Zeppelin croons out of the speakers:
"I was her love.. she was my Queen..and now a thousand years between."
I lay down in the water, craning the bottle between my thighs.
Absorbing the silky words.
Taking them all the way in.
Filling my soul..
..with something or other.
Is it joy?
"Tangerine..tangerine..living reflection of a dream."
I swig back large gulps of wine.
The frayed ends of the peel- and-stick lilac wallpaper..
are all I can focus my eyes on.
The lines taunt me.
My phone vibrates.
I ignore it.
Joni Mitchell's voice floats into the midst above.
Casting her light from the ceiling..
like a beacon shining down on me.
"I'm selfish and I'm sad..now I've gone and lost the best baby I've ever had."
I reach out for my purse on the toilet lid.
Two little blue pills ought to do it.
I twist off the cap and dump them out..
into my sweaty palm.
Bubbles fly over the rim from my sudden jerk..
The water swishes back and forth in waves.
"Do not take more than one" the pharmacist lectures me.
My neck tilts back.
I swallow the leftover six.
Just to be safe.
"For unless they see the sky.. but they can't and that is why."
John Elton sings over his piano.
I can see him.. in a vision.
His eyes dancing behind his spectacles.
"They know not if it's dark outside or light."
There is a bitter taste..
that has lodged itself..
like a sticky ball of phlegm..
into the back of my throat.
I wait.
Patiently.
In a trance.
The walls begin to hiss and vibrate.
My heart hurts.
My arms fall flat and I cannot seem to raise them up again.
Cold sweats shake my bones somethin' fierce.
I cough.
I heave.
I spit into the warm water.
The chalkiness won't leave it's mark on my tongue.
Slowly yet surely..
the familiar darkness sweeps over.
My eyes fade into black.
Lifeless.
Then the voices begin to purr sweetly.
Coaxing me nearer.. deeper into the void.
"I'm not letting you go."
Yours,
LostGirl
Published 29th Sep 2019
| Edited 4th Oct 2019
Author's Note
The hours that bring us pain.. and the glimpses of joy in between.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 14
reading list entries 3
comments 31
reads 885
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
29th Sep 2019 10:45pm
beautiful one this is so rich with imagery
the undulating sadness pulls you in
I'm hugging you tightly to me by the ending
shouting don't let go...
this is beautifully written the emotions here deeply felt...
love & hugs...
Brenda ❤
the undulating sadness pulls you in
I'm hugging you tightly to me by the ending
shouting don't let go...
this is beautifully written the emotions here deeply felt...
love & hugs...
Brenda ❤
4th Oct 2019 11:33pm
29th Sep 2019 11:00pm
this is beautiful as it is sad but yet you feel the love through each word...
4th Oct 2019 11:34pm
It’s a tragedy.
Thank you dearest Melvin.
You’ve always been a good friend to me.
Yours,
Losty
Thank you dearest Melvin.
You’ve always been a good friend to me.
Yours,
Losty
5th Oct 2019 12:11pm
you are very welcome my friend its a tragedy but yet it should be a reminder for what don't kill you only makes you that much strong as a warrior and a fighter...one love with respect my friend enjoy your weekend
29th Sep 2019 11:10pm
4th Oct 2019 11:35pm
I’m an expert.. at misery?
Lol, thank you lovely T!
You’re such a polite Canuk, eh? (;
Yours,
Losty
Lol, thank you lovely T!
You’re such a polite Canuk, eh? (;
Yours,
Losty
The intimacy is in the details. It is something I oft repeat. A lot of writing will tell someone how they are feeling, but that is like trying to breathe a picture of oxygen, as Dr Manhattan said in the movie Watchmen. To cross the expanse, the intergalactic absence, between you and me, the writer and the reader, you have to build a bridge to me. To build the bridge, you take me on a journey of intimate details. One after another. That is exactly what you do here. No opinion. Just a magnified description of a moment in your life, which moves with the ethereal fingers of your spirit across my mind, to trail a breath across my heart. It is masterfully rendered in its mature pace. Movement by movement, with the vibration of music.
I've read it now 4 times. I want to read it with my eyes closed, see it behind the lids, see you in the living colors, hear the music, feel the warmth and space of the room, in my most intimate contemplations. It's a remarkable seduction of my interest and senses the likes of which I seldom encounter here. A sculptor of words should make the page breathe. It is breathing.
Respect and admiration,
D
I've read it now 4 times. I want to read it with my eyes closed, see it behind the lids, see you in the living colors, hear the music, feel the warmth and space of the room, in my most intimate contemplations. It's a remarkable seduction of my interest and senses the likes of which I seldom encounter here. A sculptor of words should make the page breathe. It is breathing.
Respect and admiration,
D
4th Oct 2019 11:37pm
6th Oct 2019 8:23pm
lol Be still my aged heart. 😘💖💖 Sorry I've been absent, it's been a busy couple of days. You're adorable. *hugs*
Anonymous
- Edited 21st Oct 2019 5:45am
29th Sep 2019 11:29pm
<< post removed >>
4th Oct 2019 11:59pm
I’m capable of my own decisions in terms of what can and cannot wait.
Losty.
Losty.
29th Sep 2019 11:30pm
Yes Ma'am tear jerker. Heartbreaking but well Written struggled a bit reading it. As not long a familiar sounding pain. Im hoping your just writing if not i have an ear sweety. Hugs. I kinda got some midnight in Montgomery sound in my head reading it.
4th Oct 2019 11:37pm
30th Sep 2019 1:39am
A very well thought-out post, LG. What stands out for me is how you've seemed to capture your surroundings, those minute details that I have been told one pays attention to before taking their own life. It's as though life comes alive before their eyes, and everything is significant.
To honor your request for honest critique, I have messaged you due to the nature of the post.
To honor your request for honest critique, I have messaged you due to the nature of the post.
4th Oct 2019 11:39pm
I appreciate you, girlfriend!
Lookin’ out for your sister rollin’ heavy in da Deep. (;
Losty
💕
Lookin’ out for your sister rollin’ heavy in da Deep. (;
Losty
💕
4th Oct 2019 11:57pm
30th Sep 2019 2:21am
4th Oct 2019 11:40pm
30th Sep 2019 2:36am
Oh Losty, (*ugly crying) this rips my guts out! Your sorrow is palpable. There is an undertone of finality. I believe that many of us (atleast those 40+) have been through exactly what you write of. When I look back now I realize that is when I discovered just how strong I am. And dear Losty you are a badass woman!! We all adore you!
-Minxy❣
Always here if you need me sweetheart.
-Minxy❣
Always here if you need me sweetheart.
4th Oct 2019 11:44pm
Spill it, sister.
Let’s blaze a trail of our guts behind us.
Bad ass bitches.
Yours,
Losty
💕
Let’s blaze a trail of our guts behind us.
Bad ass bitches.
Yours,
Losty
💕
30th Sep 2019 3:54am
Hmmmm. The words may be beautiful but there is a disarming presence here. I am concerned for you my dear.
1000 hugs,
buddhakitty .
1000 hugs,
buddhakitty .
4th Oct 2019 11:44pm
Thank you darlin’ kitty.
I could use 1000 of your hugs even on my worst day.
Your pal,
Losty
(:
I could use 1000 of your hugs even on my worst day.
Your pal,
Losty
(:
30th Sep 2019 4:22am
Dear L,
Your attention to detail is exact. Nicely done. The sadness is laser focused and written such that one can feel that thick surround of fog, hearing your own breath or the pounding of your own heart. For this I am sorry as I am sad for anyone in such anguish. But, now I want to know who Mr. “V” is. You don’t portray him as a villainous lover, neither is he a hero. His character seems nebulous The suspense is extremely well crafted. H🌷
Your attention to detail is exact. Nicely done. The sadness is laser focused and written such that one can feel that thick surround of fog, hearing your own breath or the pounding of your own heart. For this I am sorry as I am sad for anyone in such anguish. But, now I want to know who Mr. “V” is. You don’t portray him as a villainous lover, neither is he a hero. His character seems nebulous The suspense is extremely well crafted. H🌷
4th Oct 2019 11:46pm
30th Sep 2019 5:07am
You spill this poignant ink of blue and darkened pinks
and almost rain like
with the expertise of a novelist.
An excerpt to draw us in. . .
desiring more -- perhaps a prequel to the events You brought us to,
to Your present
I can't help echoing many of the concerned comments above
and with i was there to hold You tight for longer than the obligatory 5 seconds
and maybe offer more than healing
well spilled, Beautiful
and almost rain like
with the expertise of a novelist.
An excerpt to draw us in. . .
desiring more -- perhaps a prequel to the events You brought us to,
to Your present
I can't help echoing many of the concerned comments above
and with i was there to hold You tight for longer than the obligatory 5 seconds
and maybe offer more than healing
well spilled, Beautiful
4th Oct 2019 11:49pm
Offer me one of your scotch libations, Tallen.
They’re the type of ‘healing’ THIS girl can appreciate it. (;
Yours,
Losty
They’re the type of ‘healing’ THIS girl can appreciate it. (;
Yours,
Losty
30th Sep 2019 5:50am
Losty( my nickname for you )
... I'm so glad you returned to the Deep so I can enjoy the uniqueness in which you write with... the format and the deepfelt emotion you provoke. It's like a peek into the journal of one with the a calibre of a novelist. As far as the content goes, all the sadness is well felt & expressed with gorgeous detail. I have a feeling, considering another one or two of your other writes, that this isn't nonfiction , but from experience. In that case, i applaud you for such a vulnerable write for sharing it with us. If so, I also hope you hang tightly and cling to forever beautiful. *Hugs you tightly * 💞🌹
... I'm so glad you returned to the Deep so I can enjoy the uniqueness in which you write with... the format and the deepfelt emotion you provoke. It's like a peek into the journal of one with the a calibre of a novelist. As far as the content goes, all the sadness is well felt & expressed with gorgeous detail. I have a feeling, considering another one or two of your other writes, that this isn't nonfiction , but from experience. In that case, i applaud you for such a vulnerable write for sharing it with us. If so, I also hope you hang tightly and cling to forever beautiful. *Hugs you tightly * 💞🌹
4th Oct 2019 11:51pm
Thank you gorgeous Pandy.
You made my day with your kind words here.
And yes, this incident happened prior to the write.
Good eye. (;
Yours friend,
Losty
You made my day with your kind words here.
And yes, this incident happened prior to the write.
Good eye. (;
Yours friend,
Losty
30th Sep 2019 12:16pm
4th Oct 2019 11:52pm
