deepundergroundpoetry.com
blood and marrow
My bones bloom flowers
without poetry
I no longer have the words
to show you my soul
or explain the way
I have fractured myself
My heart is like an erratic coffee stain
the black mark sinking so indelibly inside
I can't scrub the anxiety from
my consciousness
Coins fall from my hands
in reverse prosperity
that can never fill your cup
and never will
when I have more
than my own bones
to stay alive for
Loneliness is more
than just a word we hold hands with
when no one is watching
it's come to define
the hypersomnia in your feathered pillows
and the way I dream
every book I've ever read
I don't know who we are anymore
between the notes
in this discordant symphony
that demands our anguish be heard
while refusing to listen to the other
screaming their soul out onto the floor
My bones bloom flowers
like they're preparing for a funeral march in advance
There is no poetry here
just blind hands stretched out in pain
waiting for someone
to reach back
© Indie Adams 2019
without poetry
I no longer have the words
to show you my soul
or explain the way
I have fractured myself
My heart is like an erratic coffee stain
the black mark sinking so indelibly inside
I can't scrub the anxiety from
my consciousness
Coins fall from my hands
in reverse prosperity
that can never fill your cup
and never will
when I have more
than my own bones
to stay alive for
Loneliness is more
than just a word we hold hands with
when no one is watching
it's come to define
the hypersomnia in your feathered pillows
and the way I dream
every book I've ever read
I don't know who we are anymore
between the notes
in this discordant symphony
that demands our anguish be heard
while refusing to listen to the other
screaming their soul out onto the floor
My bones bloom flowers
like they're preparing for a funeral march in advance
There is no poetry here
just blind hands stretched out in pain
waiting for someone
to reach back
© Indie Adams 2019
Published 18th Sep 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 4
comments 7
reads 796
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
18th Sep 2019 6:10am
there's a lot to like here and it definitely exudes a sense of emotional turmoil.
you've asked for honest critique: by judicious chopping away of some of the more cliched phrases, swapping out most your first line to make it the title, and lots of little tweaks, i think you could take this poem and polish it up really nicely.
you're saying what you want to say, but the overabundance of words is marring the effectiveness. i'm not saying change everything or add loads of new material... you have all you need right here, now it needs more creative editing to make it as good as it can be.
if you want me to go more in-depth, i can do so tomorrow; if not, it's your baby, i'm sure you're more than capable of washing its face :D
re my title suggestion:
[b]My bones bloom[/b]
flowers without poetry
I've lost/lack the words
to show my soul
or explain the way
I've fractured myself
this kind of simple reworking of your words has a more immediate impact without distraction.
anyway, thankyou for posting this, it has good bones :)
you've asked for honest critique: by judicious chopping away of some of the more cliched phrases, swapping out most your first line to make it the title, and lots of little tweaks, i think you could take this poem and polish it up really nicely.
you're saying what you want to say, but the overabundance of words is marring the effectiveness. i'm not saying change everything or add loads of new material... you have all you need right here, now it needs more creative editing to make it as good as it can be.
if you want me to go more in-depth, i can do so tomorrow; if not, it's your baby, i'm sure you're more than capable of washing its face :D
re my title suggestion:
[b]My bones bloom[/b]
flowers without poetry
I've lost/lack the words
to show my soul
or explain the way
I've fractured myself
this kind of simple reworking of your words has a more immediate impact without distraction.
anyway, thankyou for posting this, it has good bones :)
18th Sep 2019 7:44am
Thank you very much for your honest critique. It's much appreciated. I will consider revising the piece.
20th Sep 2019 10:36am
O Indie ...I missed reading You-I hope all is good n well with You....anyhoo...yeah
Great Stuff that rolls delicious off the tongue, thats what drew me to Your works back in the day, You roll the words right (write?) like a damn good smoke!!!
This piece is quite desolate though not without description...as for over-word use..yeah I'd disagree, I prefer my pages filled with different degrees of word count.
You know I can take a Write and fill up....look at it and start tearing out words, I do tend to over-streamline my crap....but If I look at it a day later, I sneer, loathe it and call it the crap as such...but I think of how much more I can tear it apart...its a vicious circle.
Leaving thoughts intact ...there's much to doing that, it's a time capsule <----(gotta say it like the Pink Panther) I don't want prolific tales of woe whittled down to soundbites.
Short attention span theater has become the norm to many of todays under 30's.
Always the sharper mind (never the pointy head) keeps me coming back Indie
Be good to Yourself!!!
Great Stuff that rolls delicious off the tongue, thats what drew me to Your works back in the day, You roll the words right (write?) like a damn good smoke!!!
This piece is quite desolate though not without description...as for over-word use..yeah I'd disagree, I prefer my pages filled with different degrees of word count.
You know I can take a Write and fill up....look at it and start tearing out words, I do tend to over-streamline my crap....but If I look at it a day later, I sneer, loathe it and call it the crap as such...but I think of how much more I can tear it apart...its a vicious circle.
Leaving thoughts intact ...there's much to doing that, it's a time capsule <----(gotta say it like the Pink Panther) I don't want prolific tales of woe whittled down to soundbites.
Short attention span theater has become the norm to many of todays under 30's.
Always the sharper mind (never the pointy head) keeps me coming back Indie
Be good to Yourself!!!
21st Sep 2019 1:27am
Thanks so much souladareatease for your awesome comment. It made me smile. I know I've been absent from DU for a while, and I'm happy to be back, hopefully the inspiration keeps coming.
26th Sep 2019 11:09pm
Not sure how or why I missed this.
Truly spoke from the heart and the part that dwells trying to get out of a dark place. It's beautiful and yet haunting. This would sound great in spoken word.
Greetings.
Truly spoke from the heart and the part that dwells trying to get out of a dark place. It's beautiful and yet haunting. This would sound great in spoken word.
Greetings.
13th Oct 2019 2:17pm
Thanks so much Wallyroo for your lovely feedback. I'll definitely consider doing this one up as a spoken word piece.
22nd Dec 2019 7:55am
You have such an incredible way with words, indie! Your impressive poetic abilities are outstanding, and I can tell you really put your heart and soul into this one ❤️😊
Keep up the great work!!
Keep up the great work!!
