I'm not an incubator

My bones melt into the bed sheets
I canít move without screaming on the inside  

Today is a bad day †

I feel you moving against the home  
Iíve built around you †
sometimes I smile †
sometimes I canít sleep with the pain †
of your tiny limbs pressing into my walls  
with a stubbornness I canít coerce †
into something more sleep worthy †

My body is not kind to me on days like these †
and I wonder if I am too old for this †

Dishes piled high by the sink †
we live on salads and microwave-friendly foods  
eaten off paper plates †
because the pain in my hands †
can barely do more than type out a text message  
without my meridian nerve betraying me †

I imagine right now is what it feels like to be 80  
fires burning in my spirit †
while my limbs and joints canít seamlessly  
follow the instructions from my brain †
telling them what to do †

Some days I forget that Iím a person †
like pregnancy is little more †
than being an incubator for a life  
that some people will tell me is more precious than my own
just not in those exact words  

Donít get me wrong, I donít resent your existence †
I only wish people had more compassion than †
to tell me to suck it up, as long as youíre doing just fine †

Not knowing that I havenít left the house in days †
because I canít walk far enough to escape the cabin fever †
without being able to get back home †

Not knowing that Iím too embarrassed to let anyone visit †
because I am too unwell to clean the house †

Not knowing that I canít drive or take the bus †
or get to the beach long enough †
to feel the sand between my toes †
as the ocean tide soothes away my worries †

Not knowing that I made it through my first pregnancy †
with perinatal depression that was so intense and isolating †
I still consider it a miracle that Iím alive today  
your big sisters' life the only reason I chose to keep breathing †

My bones melt into the bed sheets †
I canít move without screaming on the inside  

Today is a bad day †
and Iím tired of pretending that Iím okay †

© Indie Adams 2019
Written by Indie (Miss Indie)
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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